Summer is drawing near, which means nervous break-downs upon realization of how shitty you did this semester. There’s not much you can do to salvage your unemployment-level grades at this point, but the best place to start is charming that snake-of-a-professor you’ve got. Try one of these 8 things to say, and you just may get one of those full letter-grade bumps you’ve heard only in legend.
8.) “I had my essay looked at by the writing lab.”:
Professors hate having to decipher the less-than-high-school-level regurgitation we’re all guilty of dumping in the Dropbox. What they hate even more is when they specifically tell you there’s literally people that will help you write whatever. And who cares if you actually go? Just lie.
7.) “Go Pokes!”:
Though incredibly cliché, this is a surefire way to win over nearly any professor that has a soul in their body. Fire off a “Go Pokes!” to Dr. Wheatley, and you’ll think you’d just given a starving child filet mignon. Some of these professors make you wonder if there’s actually orange highlighter juice coursing through their veins.
6.) “I saw your announcement on Bright Space.”:
Most students could give a f*ck about announcements on Bright Space/D2L, and your professor knows it. Mainly because they’ll be asked the same shit they just outlined for you online. If you actually see they’ve made an announcement, acknowledge it to give them a glimmer of hope isn’t our generation isn’t completely clueless.
5.) “Sorry I missed class—I was at the career fair.”:
Aside from assuring your professor you’re not cutting class to rip GB’s, they’ll be tickled silly to hear who you met. If you didn’t actually go to the career fair, do some light research to find out some companies that’ll be posted up at Gallagher-Iba.
4.) “Don’t you just love the Edmon Low bells?”:
Pay attention to a professor at a sporting event when the alma mater is played. It gets their dicks SO hard. The library bells striking noon is nothing short of pure euphoria to your most-definitely-an-alumni teach. Mention how “angelic” they sound and see their eyes light up like a dope fiend.
3.) “Have you been hitting to The Colvin?”:
Everyone likes to hear they’re looking good, especially the old pervs with designs on that barely-twenty Nike-shorted sorority chick. Embellish the compliment with a wink and arm-squeeze and you’ve got yourself either an A, or a now ultra-uncomfortable relationship with your professor.
2.) “I had issues uploading my assignment to Dropbox, so I’ll email it to you.”:
The next time you have something important due, just email your assignment to them, explaining Dropbox wasn’t working and you wanted to be responsible. This facade display of aptitude will give the impression you’re not completely incompetent.
1.) “May I come by during your office hours?”:
The majority of professors spend their time in office hours begging for the moment a student actually cares enough about their class to come by. Swing by their lonely basement-office in SSB and it’ll completely make their day, because you know they’d rather be anywhere else.
There’s no telling whether your professor will bite the bait, but unless you’re coming up with ideas these are your best chance sticking around Stilly…unless you’re attempting to prolong your life as a Cowboy. In which case, do the exact opposite of everything we just said.