Here in America we pride ourselves on everything ‘Merican, like our right to free speech. We’ll exercise that shit even when we shouldn’t…and OSU is far from exception. We asked two Strip-stumblers to debate whether the non-smoking policy at College Bar is American, or if it is as socialist as those maple-syrup-chugging Canadians.
Spiked-Punch Holder: Of course there should be a smoking ban at College Bar. And, how is that possibly un-American? If anything, it’s more American than anything. The government’s regulated or criminalized anything that has potential to make people happy. Private industry can, too!
Cristal Pete: How dare you say such things about America? This is the land of the free, and home of the Cowboys, so smoking should be, like, included in manifest destiny, or something. If you don’t like the smell of the smoke just breathe through your mouth. There. Problem solved.
Spiked-Punch Holder: What you said is so stupid it doesn’t merit a response. There’s, like, a billion health reasons against smoking, for starters. Plus, I’m pretty sure OSU students wanted this in the first place. So, again, democracy, hence, America, bitch.
Cristal Pete: And yet, you’re proving my point. America doesn’t listen to what the rest of the world has to say, it’s America’s privilege, nay, its duty, to impose the ideals of the few on everyone else. Bush did it with Iraq, even though people were against it, because he knew it was the RIGHT thing to do. Therefore, we, the Stillwater Smokers, should be able to invade College Bar’s Iraq-ish dictatorial establishment and puff to our pleasure.
Spiked-Punch Holder: I’m not sure that I see your logic, but okay, I’ll roll with it. So, what does that make non-smokers? Iraqis caught in the middle of a dick-measuring contest? I just want to enjoy my free beer, no matter how awful it may be, without being shrouded in cancer clouds.
Cristal Pete: Whoa, dude. If you’re gonna be pulling out your dick I think I’m just gonna go to Murphy’s, where there’re ashtrays on top of the toilet. They get patriotism. They get what it means to be an American…never change your ways.