We’ve all been there. You’re on your way to class or you’re on that nervous first date at The Ranchers Club and it hits you: a heinie hiccup suddenly approaches your bowels. You hold it in desperately trying to find a place to let out the lethal concoction, your mind races as it cycles through the locations you’d rather be in this exact situation. Here is a list of places that would be perfect to rid your body of that dirty demon.
7.) Boone Pickens Stadium:
Nothing would be more fulfilling than letting one rip out on Boone Pickens. Imagine a total of 60,000 people chanting your name as you get into a three point stance on the 50 yard line only to give a “one-gun salute,” if you’re catching our drift. Yeah, pretty awesome.
6.) A Hated Professor’s Office:
We all have had our fair share of shitty professors, but there’s always that one that sticks out and seems to be working closely with Satan. This professor is the one you target for your next honker. Sneak into their office and let it go without any inhibitions, that’ll teach them to reply to your novel of an email with a “K” *sent from iPhone*.
5.) Old Central:
This building is the perfect ghillie suit for any bottom-heaters. Hey, the inside already smells like a cult of ferrets preformed their mass suicide via Kool-Aid, so if anything your fart might make it smell better.
4.) Student Union Little Theater:
If you’ve been on the Union Little Theater’s stage, you know there is one specific location where the acoustics are premium and sound from there could travel miles. This is precisely the spot you need to find to let it out, just to hear the strange effects it might have.
3.) The New Business Building:
If you’re an adventurous soul, you might want to take a daring trek through all of the construction. From the outside, it looks like a death trap in there, which would make that ninja biscuit at the end of your journey like so worth it.
2.) Colvin High Dives:
Feeling a little creative with your flatulence? Love watching Olympic diving? If you said yes to both of those horrifically specific questions then you’re in luck. Head on over to the high dives at the Colvin Pool and try to imitate your favorite Olympic diver and at the point of broken water tension, be like Frozen and just let it go, man. Some doctors who will not be mentioned say it is 12 times better than any orgasm.
1.) Bartlett Center:
As one walks through the Bartlett Center, they’ll tend to feel like they need to be classier, maybe holding an aged scotch or smoking a Cuban cigar. Be different. As you try to recreate that scene from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off rip a “silent but deadly” to evacuate the room so you can appreciate the arts in piece.
So, as you’re speed walking to class or sitting in a lecture class of 500+ people, clenching the ol’ buttocks to trap that unfriendly monster could prove to be strenuous. Instead, escape to one of the aforementioned safe havens to really enjoy your moment of pressure release.