Oh stupid girl, did you really think sorority girls were telling the truth when they said they “loooooveee” homecoming during recruitment? Well, here’s The Black Sheep to burst that bright orange bubble with some unwritten rules of America’s Greatest Homecoming.
5.) Your Directors are High-Key Bipolar:
Just like OSU advisers, they come off friendly and act like they will be oh-so understanding of your busy schedule. Then boom, snap, clap they become twisted hormonal twats while everyone kind of becomes hypnotized by glue. Now, in the exact moment of sensing that directors are coming at you faster than Bullet, think, “What would Pistol Pete do?” He understands you; hide in the bathroom to drink copious amounts of coffee and consume fiber-loaded foods so you can blame the shits.
4.) Pairings are No Shocker:
PanHellenic claims Greek houses rotate around to encourage mingling throughout the community. Lies. Straight-up lies. It’s basically like a high school clique who can’t date outside their group, so every house ends up staying with the same house groupies. Everyone is a part of one of two rotation groups to loophole around the 4-year pairing requirement.
3.) Homecoming Steering is Rigged:
Typically, the people on Homecoming Steering don’t have a variety of houses on the board. Literally, like four houses. Then, the previous year’s Steering picks who gets to be on it next year. The people on Steering vote on homecoming house decks to determine the winners. Coincidently, the people on Homecoming Steering are also members of the houses who win each year. Say it with us, “r-i-g-g-e-d.”
2.) Pomping Hours are Hell:
Want to find an easy way to break the ice with a Greek? Talk about how shitty homecoming is, even if you like it (and if you do like it, go f*ck yourself). If that doesn’t work, compare hours and make it a drinking game. Alcohol is needed for coping with the wasted hours of your life.
1.) Winner Winner Sucked the Most Wiener:
Who won this year’s homecoming? Oh, the same group of houses that won last year, and the year before that another house of gorgeous, ordinary people with some high school heroes holding a dash of daddy’s money. Well, daddy as in, that’s what they call their alums. Be mad, but you can’t argue the truth.
Homecoming season means finding glue in every crack of your body, hooking up with people in your paired house, and envying Beta because they just make something that looks like a deck gave birth to their float. Homecoming week is about all the wasted hours, fines, tears, and Greek politics just to have the same winners announced. We wish The Black Sheep made this stuff up, but that’s OSU Homecoming for ya.