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5 Surefire Ways to Get Yourself Kicked Out of Your Favorite Oxford Bars

Sometimes you feel entirely too comfortable in your favorite bar, which you now more commonly refer to as “home”. This is when shit starts to hit the fan. If you’re trying to avoid ruining your well-behaved drunk reputation, these are examples of what not to do. Or maybe you think getting thrown out makes for a good memory. In that case, do the following:

5.) Throw beer bottles off of the balcony at Rooster’s:
Rooster’s security just loves when they see people hanging on the railing launching their drinks, cigarettes, etc. Beer bottles are of course the most amusing because of the oh-so-thrilling sound of the shattering glass. If you don’t hit a nearby pedestrian or a horse cop trotting by, then it’s pretty exhilarating. But listen, you’re getting kicked out either way. So, if you really can’t fight the urge to throw something, start thinking about the next bar you want to go to.

4.) Make a sad attempt to do pull-ups on the pipes of The Cellar:
This might seem perplexing to any ole sober person out there, but for whatever reason drunk people are very drawn to the pipework on the low ceilings of this basement bar. Truly, we don’t have an answer for why it happens. Maybe everyone’s just trying to work off the calories of the beer they’re drinking or maybe they assume it’ll make a good Snapchat story? We don’t know, and security does not care.

3.) Dance on the picnic table of The Levee:
At some bars this is encouraged, at the Levee it’s not even tolerated. It’s an understandable way to avoid some potentially serious injuries, but does however, take away from some of the fun. Let’s keep these picnic tables strictly devoted to being a seat for people who are tired of dancing, a place for guys to smoothly hit on girls, and somewhere to rip a cigarette in peace. We all know the Levee cover is overpriced, so think twice before getting yourself kicked out.

2.) Get too aggressive after being bumped at Funkys:
If you choose to go to Oxford’s beloved 80s bar on a busy night, prepare to get decked a few times. There’s simply not enough space for people to go around you without some sort of force. If you’re that person that takes a nudge a little too personally, uhhh maybe don’t come here. If there’s no room for walking, there’s absolutely no room for a fist fight. Funkys doesn’t give a shit if that dude “pushed you.”

1.) Try to join the Mustache The Band on stage at The Library:
When they’re playing a good country song and you’re rocking your stick-on mustache, your confidence is at an all-time high. Alcohol also helps with this. At this point, it’s perfectly sensible to want to get on the stage and offer to play the air guitar with your favorite band. The crowd will think it’s pretty damn funny for about 46 seconds before security drags you out. You must ask yourself whether this short-lived fame is worth it? For some, it is.

Hopefully this has informed you enough to safely make it through any night at your favorite bar. Although, of course, people will find other ways. Your fate is in your own hands now (and security’s).

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