One week until Thanksgiving break, Rebels. It’s been a long, tiring semester full of botched assignments, mediocre football, and good, old-fashioned tomfoolery. We all deserve a break, but it’s important to remember our history surrounding Thanksgiving. As a little turkey day treat, here’s a list of things that Rebels would have brought on the Mayflower:
5.) Comeback sauce:
Food was pretty shitty on the Mayflower, definitely not up to par with the southern comfort we know and love. You can bet there was some dry-ass meat on that ship, more flavorless than a shot of Everclear, so it’s doubtful that any Rebels on board the ship wouldn’t have packed an extra cooler full of the tangy delicacy known as Comeback Sauce.
4.) Marlboro Lights:
There’s no way that any Rebel could go months without daily chain smoking, and without the Britney Store drive-thru available to meet all of their tobacco needs, they had to stock the fuck up. Lights are the most commonly found cigs on campus, and those sailors certainly needed their nicotine fix. If they were sold by the carton back then, we’re sure there would be multiple on board the Mayflower.
3.) Purple Scantrons:
You never know when you’re gonna need a Scantron. According to one of our personal favorite websites: mayflowerhistory.com, the voyage over to what is now the U.S. of A lasted about 66 days. We’ve had a hard time believing that professors would go 66 days without assigning a grueling multiple-choice exam. That said, Rebels had to have carried an extra Scantron or ten with them through the trip, just in case.
2.) Commuter Parking Passes:
You never wanna risk getting fucked over by those UPD bastards, even at sea. Who knows what the parking situation looked like over by the law school back in the 1600s, but if today’s any indication, it was probably pretty trash. Smart Rebels would have bought parking passes well in advance of the voyage and had them on hand by the time they reached America/campus.
1.) Ole Miss athletic boosters:
Money talks, even back in the day. Not everyone can have nice things, such as a winning football program, new arena, and other fancy facilities. That’s why 1600s Rebels made sure to bring along some wealthy boosters to the new world, to compete with other rising institutions of higher education. Not to mention the incredible networking opportunities that come with kicking it with sleazy moneymakers for 66 days.
Of everyone on the Mayflower, it’s clear to see our Rebel pilgrims would have been best equipped in the long quest for enlightenment. We can only hope history repeats itself and we secede from the NCAA just as our ancestors separated themselves from the corrupt hands of England so many years ago.
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