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Dak Prescott’s Farewell Party: A Day in the Cow Pasture


An era is ending in Cowtown football. Dak Prescott, the greatest cow poker quarterback to ever exist, played his final Egg Bowl. For some reason, numerous ESPN analysts predicted that Dak Prescott would win his last battle with Ole Miss. Well, ESPN was wrong and yes the Golden Egg is back in Oxford.


Despite losing to the only team that beat Alabama, Starkvegas held a gathering to honor the work of Rayne Dakota Prescott. His achievement of beating Ole Miss once and breaking a bunch of Wayne Madkin records can’t go unnoticed in Dawg Country, so the town’s most elite members shared memories of the quarterback. We sent one of our writers to go undercover and infiltrate the party. Despite the enormous risk involved, our writer was willing to risk his eardrums and find out all the juicy details.


First and foremost, the event was held in a big red barn. There was no furniture, so guests were forced to sit in the hay. Eventually, the guests formed a cowbell circle, where they clattered their bells and screamed “WE GOT THE CONERLY BABY!!!”


Conerly winner or not, the cowbell circle sucked. No one had any drugs and the shaking of cowbells blew out our writer’s left eardrum. Hopefully he isn’t litigious.


Head coach Dan Mullen was noticeably late to the event. As the party wore on, many attendees openly wondered where he was. Mullen finally stumbled in wearing a Hawaiian shirt and double fisting some hurricanes. When asked how his interview went, he began sobbing until Dakota held him tight. It was truly beautiful.


When our writer wasn’t hacking up his lungs from all the hay and dust being kicked up, he was squeezing his nose tight. He could smell a strong odor, stiff and deathly, almost. He tried his best not to breathe it in, but inevitably the odor slipped through his barricades and into his nostrils. Our writer recognized the noxious fume from a prior time. A mere year ago a similar smell afflicted the senses of Oxford and it took everything to get rid of that stain.


Our writer couldn’t hold it in anymore and puked in the middle of the circle. He got up and ran out as fast as he could. He couldn’t stand being in that barn anymore and hopped in the car. Mobbing back to Oxford, he repeated the “Hotty Toddy” chant over and over again till he passed out.


It was a good ride.


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