OXFORD, Miss.— After weeks of campaigning, slandering opposition, and some good old fashioned bribery, the Landshark has finished in first place for Homecoming King in an emphatic finish.
Despite a large population of students calling bullshit, the Landshark was announced the winner by Dr. Jeff Vitter, who claimed the election to was “a landslide victory”. The Landshark beat out Dixie Normous from Kappa Alpha Order, a descendent of the famed Colonel Reb, and Anti-Progress, a senior who’s father is the mayor of the thriving Delta metropolis, Yazoo City.
“I was just shocked, absolutely shocked,” said one female student, who preferred to remain anonymous for fear of retaliation from the Landshark, “It just doesn’t seem like this was the choice of the majority of the Ole Miss population. Anti-Progress represents everything this student body is about, it’s a shame to see him fall short.”
This student, along with many others, has filed a complaint to the ASB senate. They believe that Dr. Vitter interfered with the results of the election to benefit his own policies and vision for the university. Vitter, per usual, declined to comment on the results, but his spokesperson/puppet responded to the criticism: “Here at the University of Mississippi, we value the opinions of our students. The Landshark is a symbol that over 10% of the students can identify with, and it showed in the results of the election. We let the people speak, and they have spoken.”
It would be safe to assume that this case will not go away quietly, and hopefully more information will surface over the next couple of weeks.
Shortly after the results were announced, The Landshark was found visibly intoxicated outside of Roosters. “Fuck what they talking ‘bout, fake ass news, fake ass hoes, no loyalty,” he slurred, through a Landshark interpreter.
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