If you’re a girl and there is toilet paper in the frat bathroom stall you stumbled into, then you have God to personally thank (Or Glenn, the pledge). He picked YOU to have the privilege of basic sanitation. That my friend, is special. Most of us are lucky if there’s even a toilet in there.
Toilet paper is a small sacrifice you have to make to receive all the other benefits of a frat party. Fraternities are very accommodating. If the Natty Lights aren’t being served on trays by attractive men in tuxedos, then something is way off. However, some of the more cultured frats wear Hawaiian shirts because they were all born and raised in Hawaii. So, don’t be worried if that is the case.
Ah, time for the main course; handles of Aristocrat and two-liters of off-brand Hawaiian punch (obviously the mixer of choice for, previously discussed, majority Hawaiian frats). If they have real Hawaiian Punch with the red-headed surfer dude on the bottle, look around Mrs. majors, these are your future rich husbands. On the other hand, Aristocrat is state of the art vodka that you rarely find outside of a fraternity house, so take advantage of it while you can. It goes down real easy. The best money can buy.
The hospitality continues with the welcoming personalities of the fraternity members. To the attractive girls, or mediocre girls that are attractive if you squint; these guys really just want to get to know you. Every last one of them is sober and genuine. They might even find you toilet paper if it prolongs the enriching conversation you two are having. After all, Bobby only did that backflip off the roof to impress you. Kevin only won that beer pong competition for you. Well, mostly for the five bucks that he’ll never get, but also for you. Romance isn’t dead.
What did we learn here today? Gals, suck it up and learn how to drip dry. You know you’re going to Sigma Apple Pie tomorrow night regardless.
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