Ole Miss has one of the best all around sports cultures in college, but as it grows in population so should its selection of athletic events. That is why we propose that Ole Miss start stacking up its athletics program with different sports for year-round fun and to cater to any tastes that may suit incoming students. We’ve managed to narrow it down to 5 sports that will be budget friendly and to provide new ways to get shitfaced, because that’s what sports are truly about, right?
5.) Lingerie Football:
This isn’t the 1950s any more; we need gender equality not only in our businesses, but also on the gridiron. What better way to bring the sexes closer to equality than to have a women’s football team? The time has come the Rebelettes put on some pads and get ready to play ball. We might even see Miss Ole Miss at quarterback. If the team plays half as good as it looks, we’ll have the first National Championship in Women’s College Football.
4.) Stock Car Racing:
Mississippi is smack dab in the middle of NASCAR nation. It honestly baffles us that the SEC isn’t currently the premier stock car conference in college sports. Ricky Stenhouse Jr. is a devoted Ole Miss fan who shows up to as many games as possible, he and racing mate Danica Patrick would certainly build us a course and at least supply us with junkers for the Engineering school to fix up.
3.) Collegiate Beer Team:
There is always the argument of “Who is The Best Party School?” Let’s put our ping pong balls and cups on the table and fight it out. This is essentially our far less athletically gifted track and field team; however, they’ll run laps around you in drinking. We can for sure scrounge up some top rate talent passed out in the Fraternities and alleys on The Square. If Collegiate Beer Teams really catch on we’ll for sure win speed competitions seeing how the bars close at 1 a.m.
2.) Sumo Wrestling:
Wrestling is a famed sport with many gifted athletes like George Clooney, Robert De Niro, and Grant “The Flash” Gustin (you see, wrestlers are actors putting on a show) that’s why we’d be authentic with Sumo Wrestlers. Those are some real athletes, nothing fake about the love handles they show for their sport, while training at The Golden Corral. It’s time we take a cue from our Japanese allies and ditch the fake WWE posers for these purebred athletes.
The self-perceived magical elite has kept this sport from the general public and it’s time that us muggles show that Snitches get snatched. We put this sport number one because of all these outrageous suggestions it actually has the most validity. There are current Quidditch leagues with teams from UCLA to NYU. Not much else to joke about than the fact that the fictional game of Quidditch fromHarry Potter is becoming a legitimate sport with its own pro league.
That’s the list, now get on the hotlines, start a bake sale, or start raffling off dinners with Patrick Willis so we can raise the funds necessary to eclipse all other athletic departments. Even if there isn’t anyone else to compete against we can’t miss out on being the first.