You drink a lot of beer. We get that. You’re also not exercising a whole lot. We get that too. The fact is your body is changing and that new Qdoba down the road is really kick-starting the process. You have every right to be proud of the man boobs you’ve been cultivating, and The Black Sheep is here with the best choices in shirts to help you accentuate that man rack.
5.) Coach’s Jersey:
Invented specifically for the overweight football coach and overweight football dads, the shirts are really going to give you and your man titties a defined cleavage shadow. The fabric is a light polyester and cotton blend that gives a 37% boost in visible jiggle when walking down the stairs in the Vault, giving it a score of 8/10 on The Black Sheep Jiggle Scale.
4.) Fishing Shirts with Vents:
Made of 100% pure polyester, with two vents behind the armpit, this shirt is perfect for man boobs at any occasion. This button-up shirt allows the wearer to really seal those man ta-tas up or let them out in full glory, depending on the occasion. Designed for sweaty sideline dads, the two vents in the back allow that Evan Williams and Union Dr. Pepper sweat to escape, keeping those man mammaries as dry as the Sahara and just as scratchy. While it should score higher, the chafing forced us to give this a score of 7/10 on The Black Sheep Jiggle Scale.
3.) Alabama Shirts:
Just something about that maroon color really makes your breasticles pop. Any shirt that has “Roll Tide” on the back has got a pair of dude-Dolly Partons on the front. It is an actual law in Alabama that a jersey must come with every box of Hot Pockets sold, so man globes are almost a requirement if you are wearing jersey Crimson Tide tee. If you want people to really notice and comment on how big and sweaty your chest ornaments look in The Grove, go ahead and grab a Cooper Bateman jersey. While it is comparable in jiggle to the coach’s jersey, the inbred ‘Bama branding forces us to give this a mere 5/10 on The Black Sheep Jiggle Scale.
2.) Tank Tops:
If you really want to show those babies off, go and grab a tank top. Cotton tanks are great for showing off your sweat stains and really letting your stench roam about whatever tent you’re in. The cleavage shadow is a little softer than some shirts, only because actual cleavage can be shown. These shirts received a full-blown 10/10 on The Black Sheep Jiggle Scale, and in some cases, nipples were tossing out of the sides.
1.) Shirt and Bow Tie:
A bow-tie is definitely the accessory to add to your Grove outfit if you want to leave a nice open plain for your cleavage shadow. This is optimal for showing off how dad you’ve become and sealing the deal on a future Mrs. Bow Tie. Bow ties are so high on the neck that it makes your man titties look 3 – 6 inches saggier. Because of this, The Black Sheep gives the outfit an 8/10 on our Jiggle Scale.
So there it is, five perfectly acceptable options when it comes to dressing for the heat. Ideally we’ve helped you find that perfect topper to your masculine, jigglicious globes. So walk with pride through The Grove, we’ll all be watching in envy.