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What’s the Ideal Time for a Walk of Shame in Oxford?

So, you had a little too much fun last night, huh? You’re already regretting your decision to leave with that semi-attractive, hardly amusing boy from the bar, so the least you can do is make your escape flawlessly. This one’s for the girls, since trying to hide your sequined tank top isn’t exactly the easiest things to do. So then, when exactly is the best time to make your escape?:

2 a.m.:
Unfortunately for the more ~sexually adventurous~ students, Ole Miss is still abiding by the curfew rules from the early 1800s in an effort to keep us all virgins for as long as possible. This means you may wake up to a 2 a.m. knock from either a CA or UPD saying get the fuck out. For some, this is a safety net, knowing you won’t have to wake up in Jake’s dorm with his snoring roommate five feet away. For others, it’s a beautiful night of twin-bed cuddling ripped right out from under you.

7 a.m.:
Now this right here could potentially be the prime time. You know every other person on campus is either asleep, still drunk, or already painfully hungover. Quite frankly, at this point in the day no one is going to give a shit that you shacked. Okay, maybe that drunk guy did video tape you while driving by in the passenger seat of a pickup truck, but try not to worry about that. Just keep refreshing Old Row and pray you don’t see your face. 

10 a.m.:
This is the time you’re most likely to wake up since you were definitely decently intoxicated last night. By now, you’ve panicked a little, looked at your phone, then panicked a little more. If you have any real friends who are up by now, tell them to come pick you up immediately. This method of escape is recommended, but often doesn’t go as planned. You now have to consider shacker clothes. Make this boy give you some sweats and a t-shirt (maybe even some shoes). If it’s a good t-shirt, just go ahead and call that a win and walk your happy ass home.

1 p.m.:
Now it’s tragically turned to afternoon, and somehow you’re still in Kyle’s bed . Maybe this is a good thing? Is it less obvious you slept there? Shit, maybe it’s more obvious. The good news is all the food on campus is open now. Maybe Kyle will treat you to a romantic date in the student union. Hot. The Chick-fil-A fries, a.k.a. the cure to your hangover, might just be worth whatever reaction you get.

5 p.m.:
If you’ve made it this far, you either knew this boy already, or you are really hitting it off. No one thinks your shacking at this point, so you’re pretty much in the clear. Keep your smeared make up and slightly mangled outfit on for dinner and the next pregame, and no one will even notice (with the small exclusion of every single girl ever). On the other hand, you could probably use a shower and a reality check. It’s been a long night/day (who even knows anymore), so go regroup. You deserve it.

Honestly, your best bet is 7 a.m.,which is only really possible if you’re physically capable of rising from the dead that early. Either way, remember you go to Ole Miss, and 97.3 percent of people laughing at you are hypocrites.

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