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4 Ways to Get Yourself into the Hospital and Out of Finals

Once again finals are looming on the horizon and you’re not prepared for the challenge. Most people only consider two options in this scenario: work hard to prepare for the test, or give up now, and begin the process of grief. We’re here to tell you that there’s a third option. Sustaining serious non-life threatening injuries. You can try to fake a case of the sniffles to get a doctors note, but we’re not taking any chances. Here are a few ways you can pick up an injury that will spare you from your finals:

4.) Get hit by a car on Kincaid St.:

Walk out on that street by McKenzie where all the buses roll through, and begin to mentally prepare yourself. At first you should just stand there and watch all of the buses (and the occasional Maserati) go by, and make a game plan in your head for how you’ll take the hit. Then, you put on a helmet take one last look at your grade on Canvas, and run out there and channel your inner Kobe.

3.) Get pinned under a bookshelf in the Knight Library:

After you give up on studying, go deep into one of the rows of bookshelves and just start shaking it. When you see it’s about to tip, you have to position yourself perfectly. Think like James Franco in 127 Hours, and just pin your arm in some irretrievable manner. This will definitely get you sent to the hospital, and you’ll look like some hero who was up late studying for the big test.

2.) Stand in front of a biker and wait:

You can easily do this one right on the way to your final if you happen to have any last minute doubts about your exam. It’s definitely believable because you almost get hit by one of these fuckers everyday. This time instead of sidestepping them at the last second, you’re just gonna want to square up and take a solid hit to your chest. BOOM. This should result in a couple of fractured ribs at least.

1.) Tear down the Ohio State flag at Hayward:

Hayward is currently all set up for some big championship meet and the field is lined with flags from colleges all around the country. The problem is that some heartless bastard had the nerve to hang Ohio State’s dirty ass rag next to OUR flag. So if you want to get out of finals and correct this injustice, hop the fence take the flag down, and light it on fire, baby. On your way to the hospital whisper to yourself, “I’m the hero Eugene deserves, just not the one it needs right now.”

Hopefully this will give you the time you need to properly study for your finals after a term of skipping classes and ignoring your homework.

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