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Tyler Dorsey Disappointed He Won’t Actually Get to Participate in Spring Break this Year

Last night the Oregon Ducks knocked the Michigan Wolverines out of the NCAA tournament, ending the game with just a one-point lead. While most of the team was excited by the narrow victory, UO’s star player Tyler Dorsey was disappointed to learn that he definitely wouldn’t be able to travel during spring break this year.

“Man,” Dorsey started. “I had plans to go to Cabo with my brother and this hot girl Melanie this year. Who am I supposed to motorboat now? Coach Altman? He already sucks my dick, I need something new.”

After the game, Dorsey was seen asking the other players if they would “cover for him” if he happened to be absent during the game against Kansas scheduled for this weekend, a question to which none of the team responded kindly.

“This is the Elite Eight, okay?” Jordan Bell said, seemingly agitated. “If you want to do cocaine off of the rim of a pineapple, do it on your own time. Like, I wanna fuck bitches too, but we’re a basketball school now. There’s no time for boobs on the court.”

Unlike Dorsey, UO students were excited by the win over Michigan, but not excited enough to cancel their spring break plans to support the team through the rest of the tournament.

“It’s cool we’re still in the game and all,” sophomore Brian Reese stated. But, I’m headed to PCB in, like, an hour so I’m not that concerned if we win it all. Poor Dorsey though, he seems pretty down about missing out.” 

The UOregon Ducks are set to play Kansas tomorrow. There’s hope that they’ll be able to continue on to the Final Four if Dorsey commits to cancelling his flight.


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