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University of Oregon Announces Goal to Finish Construction by 2091

Students and workers were overjoyed to learn that campus construction will be finalized within the next 75 years. The newly appointed date is 20 years earlier than the previous deadline.

The plan was announced after President Schill had a moment of inspiration, while arranging potted plants in his office. “A brilliant idea hit me,” said Schill. “Why not ditch my succulent farming ambitions, and instead focus all attention toward remodeling the entire campus of this highly-accredited institution?”

Unfortunately, the change in deadline required a few sacrifices. The university was forced to ditch the development of a driving range and solid gold fountain. “It’s not the same without the golden fountain,” said Schill, dejectedly clutching the blueprints, using the rejected papers as a handkerchief to wipe his tears.

In early October, Chapman Hall will finish construction. The renovations will feature provocative stained glass windows, a mysterious dungeon, and a spacious guest room for Pope Francis of the Roman Catholic Church. In addition to these changes an ancient looking scroll will hang above the pews that will read: “Please do not replace the holy water with Burnett’s.”

During the height of finals, 500 bulldozers will arrive on campus to aid construction efforts. However, only 5 workers are certified to operate the machinery. The remaining 495 bulldozers will idly wait their turn, parked throughout the UO grounds. Once the bulldozers arrive, entering the campus by foot will no longer be an option. Oregon encourages students to purchase a small aircraft, in addition to necessary textbooks. A landing strip will be situated outside Chapman, allowing students to safely enter campus.

In 2018, a replica of an ancient Mayan Temple will be built on the roof of Hamilton Dining Hall. Students walking through the dorms must wear hard hats to avoid injury caused by falling debris.

Touring the Mayan Temple will be $10.00 cash or campus cash.

Despite minor protests, construction workers were thrilled by the prospect of hitting the dusty road home a little early. “For a while we sort of forgot what we were doing, so we just started shuffling piles of dirt around to occupy time,” said one construction worker. “With the new deadline there’s a chance I may get to retire before the beginning of the 22nd century.”

While some remain dissatisfied by the constant construction on campus, few can deny that a quick 75 years is worth the wait. With the extra walking time, students can reflect on what a gorgeous campus this will be long after they’re dead and graduated.

 

Something so bad, 12 beers later, is so, so good.

 
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