In this first week of the semester, many students are getting acquainted with a person who they’ll spend the next 8 months living with. A good roommate can enhance your college experience tremendously; providing you with a loyal and maybe even lifelong friend. However, a bad roommate can turn your college dream into a nightmare. Here are 10 ways to get rid of that pesky roommate.
10.) Repeat Everything He Says:
Need a way to get your roommate to shut up? At first, your roommate might think that this is just a friendly display of playful camaraderie. To avoid this take an angrier more serious tone to make sure your roommate knows that you’re doing this to hurt him. There’s one important thing to remember with this strategy: when your roommate catches on and says that you’re stupid, repeat him and replace “you” with your roommate’s name. This will show him you’re no amateur.
9.) Unwarranted Shoulder Massages:
Uncomfortable sexual tension is always an effective way to drive someone out of your life. Whenever your roommate is sitting at his desk doing homework or studying, sneakily tip-toe behind him. Sensually place your hands on his shoulders, and in a voice a little louder than a whisper, say “you seem like you’ve had a tough day buddy, why don’t you close your eyes and relax.” If he doesn’t seem creeped out yet, give a light blow on his cheek.
8.) Turn Your Room into a Traphouse:
If you’re apprehensive about the criminality of a selling crack, stop being such a bitch. You clearly don’t want your roommate out that bad if you’re not willing to commit multiple felonies to get the job done. If the array of shady characters coming through your room on a daily basis doesn’t drive him away, ask him to be your drug mule.
7.) Make Random Sounds and then Deny it Was You:
Wait until there is complete silence in your room. Make sure your roommate is not looking at you and make a sound like a dying fire alarm. Immediately after this look at him and ask if he heard that strange noise. If your roommate’s a total dumbass he might actually think it was just a random sound. In this case repeat the sound until it’s clear that it’s coming from you. When he confronts you about it, accuse him of making the sound. Then for good measure, make the sound again when he turns around.
6.) Convince Him You’re a Serial Killer:
Not only will this get your roommate to leave you alone, it might keep him out of your room permanently. There are a few effective courses of action you can take here. You could constantly mumble to yourself, and then scream “these voices won’t stop.” Maybe leave torn out pages of Catcher in the Rye lying around your room. If these options don’t work, ask him to edit your essay entitled “Watching the Life Leaving a Man’s Eyes.”
5.) Play “Photograph” by Nickelback Every Time He Enters the Room:
You have to make some sacrifices if you truly want to get rid of an annoying roommate. One of these sacrifices might be having to subject yourself to Nickelback. One day announce that you have found a theme song for your roommate. After walking into “Looking at this photograph, Every-time I do it makes me laugh,” more than once, he’ll never come back.
4.) Fake Nightmares:
At first your roommate might seem sympathetic towards your night terrors, so you must be creative if this is the way you want to go. If you’re gonna scream make sure it’s the shrillest scream possible, and make it the night before a big test or an 8 a.m. class. An alternative way to go is to wake him up in the middle of the night. With big puppy dog eyes and a somber look on your face, gently say, “I had a nightmare. Can I sleep with you tonight.” That should do the trick.
3.) Satan Worship Before Bed:
Be completely normal whenever your around the your roommate. Lull him into a sense of security. Then before you go to bed light a few candles, kneel down in front of your poster of Satan, and incoherently babble incoherently. Try to convert him by preaching the virtues of satanic worship. Then to really sell it, sacrifice a lamb.
2.) Only Communicate via Wrestling Catchphrases:
Wrestling can be a fun activity for male bonding, but imitating Jim Ross and yelling “It’s Bill It’s Bill,” every time your roommate enters the room can get infuriating. If you’re having an argument end it by screaming “And that’s the bottom line because Stone Cold said so.” If he asks for advice on preparing for a test, tell him to “Train. Say your prayers. Eat your vitamins.” Whenever he chimes in with his opinion, let out a charismatic “It doesn’t matter what you think.” At first this might be fun, but it will rapidly become unbearable.
1.) Pictures of STDs Around the Room:
The nuclear option. This one might be difficult to execute. You’ll have to subject yourself to some pretty repulsive pictures and you might need an explanation if someone in the library catches you printing pictures of venereal diseases. If you can get past this, a nice picture of gonorrhea hanging above is bed and genital warts on his desk should get rid of him real quick.