Many years ago, Happy Valley was barren of the cheap beer and endless construction of today. While our ancestors may not have traveled on The Mayflower to Plymouth Rock, someone had to have populated this middle-of-nowhere town in Pennsylvania with all of what makes it home. The Black Sheep is here to share what items would have made the cut if Penn Staters were in charge of the Pilgrim’s voyage.
7.) Clips of Ohio State 2016:
The most iconic game of 2016’s football season still serves to brighten the day of Penn Staters everywhere. It would have been necessary for this shining moment to be spread to the new land. The winning-touchdown would be proof our might and intimidate any Pittsburgh or Temple settlers that we might encounter along the way.
6.) Grilled Stickies:
At the first Thanksgiving, this State College delicacy would have been the focus of the meal. A main food group of Happy Valley, the honorable Grilled Sticky would have sustained our ancestors during the frigid winters. Any lost Nittany Lions could find their tribe by following the scent of cinnamon and sugar through the wilderness.
Our ancestors couldn’t live without the sacred Happy Valley Cows. These animals would help the colonists develop their renowned chocolate milk and ice cream at what would come to be known as Berkey Creamery. While the cows would have kept the pilgrims well-fed, they also would have provided a pungent scent that most colonists couldn’t bear. Because of this, the pilgrims would have decided to house the lowest-ranking members, the freshman colonists, nearest our smelly farm animals.
4.) Lion Ear Headbands:
Not only would this item keep the pilgrims’ ears warm, but it would be the perfect way to identify a fellow colonist. Oftentimes, those who forgot to wear their Lion Ears in the wilderness would be mistaken for a visiting Pitt Pilgrim and be exiled from Happy Valley Colony. As added punishment, colonists would sometimes throw the cows’ shit at the Pitt Pilgrims, coining the term “Shitt on Pitt.” Yes, this is historical fact.
How else would Penn State’s pilgrims exchange goods? While this currency would hold value among our ancestors, it also would only be useful for certain items. Happy Valley Colonists would trick outsiders into investing in LionCash, causing them to lose all of their wealth and make our colony quite rich.
2.) The “We Are…” Chant:
Boosting morale among our ancestors, The “We Are…” chant would have been the rallying cry during the rough moments in Happy Valley Colony. Lion Ambassadors would be appointed to act as missionaries, teaching this chant to any outsiders they encountered and inducting them into the Penn State Tribe. Colonists would also use the chant as a way of introducing themselves to outsiders and intimidating their enemies.
1.) A Fracket:
The cold winters of Happy Valley Colony would be hard to bear, but the female colonists would come prepared with the customary Fracket. On late nights when they would wear their most scandalous Pilgrim attire (basically anything that showed a little ankle or maybe even some shoulder), the women would adorn themselves with the ugliest jacket they could find to keep warm during the long walk to the men’s quarters (as Frat Row was called in those days.)