It’s that time of the semester again, Penn State finals. Checking Canvas and Angel is nauseating, procrastination is becoming less of an option, and you’re feeling a sense of impending doom. Lucky for you, there are plenty of places around campus for you to sob, yell, throw your laptop, and whatever else you’d like to do for the next week.
First, you have to wait for the bus. You can’t just dive directly into your breakdown once you get on, so be sure to pace the whole length of the bus stop while sighing obnoxiously and thinking of all your problems on a loop. Consider flailing your arms a bit. Once you get on, there are plenty of things to set you off. No open seats, some guy talking on the phone, an angry driver, options are everywhere! You might even get others to join you in your breakdown, creating a therapeutic community on the bus.
In the Middle of a Tour Group:
This one is practically community service. All of these bright-eyed prospective students don’t know the horror that’s ahead of them. Thankfully, you’re there to make this abundantly clear. A few snarky remarks like, “Old Main? More like college is getting old and we’re in pain, right guys?” and some wailing would be ideal.
HUB High School Musical Steps:
If you’re a bit of a drama queen or an attention whore, you’ll love this. Angrily breaking into song and dance here isn’t just tears and rage; it’s performance art. Plus, an audience comes, guaranteed.
Pattee Library Stacks:
There’s a musty smell and it’s going to be hard to find an open desk. Once you get into your breakdown, feel free to throw a book or two. Maybe push one of those book carts around. Make sure all the people that have desks know you saw them scrolling through Twitter a minute ago. If you’re really good at this, everyone will leave and then you’ll have a desk.
This couldn’t be easier. You give more money to Penn State, and the subsequent breakdown is inevitable. Make sure to yell about how Shields smells like a hospital while you’re at it. Even better, it’s pretty quiet in there, making your screaming much more effective.
If you’re not looking for attention, this dark and sweaty atmosphere will make it difficult for anyone to notice the fact that you’re sobbing. Try yelling while dancing, and then play it off like you’re just super into the music. After your breakdown, you’ll definitely look like shit. Feel free to take a few pictures in front of the Indigo sign at this point. Fun college memories!
University Health Services:
The sensitive type will love this one. UHS is conveniently next to the career center. You might want to stop there first to think about your depressing future as preparation for your crying-fest in UHS. Pick any spot and let it all go. You’ll definitely get to talk to someone after and have a full-on therapy session without even making an appointment.
If you’re taking the time to read this, you’re clearly still procrastinating on everything you should be doing. Eventually, everything will fall apart, and so will you. At least have the decency of picking somewhere interesting to do it.