At some point, you’ve all seen a crowd gathered in Pattee Mall watching an opinionated Penn Stater argue with The Willard Preacher. Whether or not you can hear the conversation, you know for sure that this dude is losing the argument and making a ton of noise in the process. As you increase the volume on your walking-to-class playlist and roll your eyes, you can’t help but wonder about the raving atheist at the center of the dispute. The Black Sheep shares those questions and are here to voice your concerns about the people who argue with The Willard Preacher.
7.) How Do You Have Time for This?:
At some point, you had to have passed Willard and thought to yourself, “I should stand here for 20 minutes and yell over The Willard Preacher until he pays attention to me.” Wouldn’t you prefer to be napping in the Harry Potter Room or pretending to study as you watch The Campus Story for the third time today? You’re wasting The Preacher’s valuable speaking time. Have some respect.
6.) Why Aren’t You Asking About His Clothing?:
If you’re going to start a conversation with The Willard Preacher, you should really take advantage of the opportunity to get fashion advice from the most consistently-dressed person on campus. Wouldn’t you like to know if he wears the same red sweatshirt every day, or if he has a closet full of the same hoodie, instead?
5.) Do You Actually Expect to Win?:
This man has spent years of his life pacing in circles in front of the same building and talking about his unwavering religious beliefs. There’s absolutely no chance of you saying anything he won’t have a response for. Sorry, you’re just not prepared for this.
4.) Are You Considering Being a Preacher Yourself?:
Maybe, the aim of your argument is to take over the coveted campus preacher position. Foolishly, you might believe that a half hour of yelling in front of Willard will somehow be so intimidating and effective that The Willard Preacher will quit on the spot, hand over his sweatshirt, and leave the steps open for you to take his place.
3.) What’s It Like to be Burned by The Willard Preacher?:
You’re leaving yourself open to the most savage insults from the voice of god at Penn State. At the start, you feel confident, but then The Preacher tells everyone that you’re only fuckable when you’re five Natty Lights deep at a low-tier frat, and that pride instantly disappears.
2.) What Set You Off?:
There had to be something that caught your attention and started this nonsense. Was it the harsh reality of your empty life that can’t be fulfilled no matter how many nights you spend at Champ’s? Maybe, it was when you heard that the line for Indigo is really the line for The Gates of Hell. No matter what started this, you just have to suck it up and accept your fate like the rest of us.
1.) Do You Feel Better Now?
After you get publicly insulted by The Willard Preacher, you must feel something, although we doubt it’s what you aimed for. You might still walk away with a smug smile across your face, but that inner shame has got to sting. However, it’s also possible that you masochistically wanted to get your self-esteem destroyed. Either way, stick to starting arguments on your class Facebook page and leave the Willard Preacher alone.
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