All week everyone’s been talking about the first Penn State home football game, but what if you don’t have tickets? Or what if you don’t want to see this happen again? Better to live in blissful naivety than knowing our beloved Nittany Lions aren’t super, uh, great. Here are 7 ways you can spend your Saturday if you’re not going to the football games.
How many times have you wanted a Starbucks Mocha Latte from the Hub, and found a seemingly never-ending line of white girls with white iPhones talking about sorority recruitment? One thing white girls love even more than Starbucks is pretending to be fans of Penn State football. Today you can get your Starbucks in less than an hour and not worry about the shame of walking around with that Starbucks cup.
6.) Walk Naked Around the Dorms:
We all secretly want to do this. Wandering the dorms in your natural state will allow you to become one with the spirit of the dorm. You could never gain this metaphysical experience with those burdensome clothes. If you get caught by someone just explain this to them. They’ll completely understand and you definitely won’t get labeled as the crazy guy who walks around naked.
5.) Practice the Oboe:
One of the worst parts of college is not being able to practice the oboe because it might annoy your floor mates. Everyone knows that not practicing the oboe at least three times a week can lead to a serious regression in your prowess of the instrument. With no one else on the floor you can finally get that much needed practice and get close to mastering the instrument. Soon you’ll be able to show off your oboe skills, and the bitches will come in droves.
4.) Snort Cocaine in the Commons Area:
When you snort cocaine alone in your dorm room it means you have a drug problem. If you do it in public you’re just a guy having a fun time. But for some reason, if you do hard drugs in public someone will always call those annoying cops. On game day, no one will be there to witness your harmless activity, so you can snort all that white gold you want.
3.) Chill in Other People’s Rooms:
While your floor mates are enjoying the game, you could be enjoying their bed. Find the two or three dumbasses who have enough trust in other college students that they keep their door unlocked, and hang out in their room. Eat their food, sit at their desk, smell their clothes and towels. You’ll be doing all this fun stuff when they watch the stupid Nittany Lions.
2.) Set up your Trophy Kill on the Nittany Lion:
Any hunter will tell you that knowing exactly where your prey is hiding is extremely advantageous. The Nittany Lion is a world-famous target, and is a dream catch for any hunter. Sure, you’ll be the most hated person on the campus and probably in Pennsylvania, but at least you’ll get that super-cool pick of you laying over a dead animal.
1.) Cry Alone in Your Room:
Let’s face it, all these alternatives are pretty pathetic. When you finally come to terms with being an outsider for not going to the games you can always just sit in your room and cry it out. A good cry should make you feel better and it’s a good way to pass the time.