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BREAKING: Sober Student Eats Canyon Pizza

An astonishing discovery was made this past week when Penn State student Connor Gregson was found eating Canyon Pizza without the assistance of alcohol.

“I tried it sober once and loved it. Pizza is pizza, man,”Gregson explained as he waited for a slice in broad daylight.

To the rest of the student body, Gregson’s affinity for Canyon is difficult to understand. “Yeah, I like it when I’m drunk, but I’d eat cardboard when I’m drunk,” sophomore Jamie Lee commented as she waited in line for Canyon’s $4 pizza special late Friday night.

Upon hearing that Canyon has any customers at any time before 11 p.m., Acacia fraternity brother Trevor said, “Dude, they’re open in daylight? Eating Canyon sober is the kind of thing you make pledges do.”

As Penn State comes to grips with this bizarre phenomenon, Gregson has had his taste buds tested, and the results may come as a shock. “Connor can detect a certain chemical in Canyon’s pizza that most people just don’t have the capacity for,” revealed Dr. Samuels.

Gregson wasn’t too surprised by his unique taste for Canyon, saying “There’s a distinct difference between drunk and sober Canyon. Drunk Canyon has that twinge of regret, especially if it ends up making a guest appearance the morning after. But Sober Canyon? That’s shame-free.”

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