Sunny weather in State College means Café becomes relevant again! Time to stake out your spot in line to drink tea pitchers and order burger baskets because specials and cheapness trumps heart diseaseness. And because 55 Days of Café has officially begun this week. We all need to leave Penn State with one of those infamous t-shirts to boast about our undying 55-day-long commitment to drinking on a daily basis. But how do you survive the dreaded Café line? Wonder no more, fam.
Start by counting with your friends how many people you’ve each had sex with. Whoever has the lowest number owes everybody a drink once you finally get in, like, an hour later. Extra points and exemption for raising your number while your friends hold your spot in line! If you’re virgins or, like, really Christian or something, you can count how many guys to whom you’ve given OTPHJs. Yes, we know you’re not as pure as you’ve led your youth group to believe.
Another idea for entertaining yourself in line: competing with your friends to see who can name all the Café pitchers the fastest. Immediate disqualification will occur to any participant who forgets to name the iconic Miami Beach pitcher. The loser of this game must take a Red Death shot upon his or her admittance into Café. Unless you enjoy the taste of cough syrup (in that case, you’ll love it), you know the Red Death shot is as red and deathly as it sounds.
If you’re a musically-inclined friend group, you can stake Café wing basket bets on which band will be playing that night. Will it be the two brothers who both somehow resemble Adam Devine in very different ways? Or will it be that annoyingly pretty blonde singer who all the guys throw their phone numbers? Sure, there are probably social media accounts or flyers or something that could provide you with this information, but there’s something infinitely more exciting about the unknown.
The best idea by far, though, is only appealing to the bravest of souls. You know when they have that drum that they call a bongo but it’s not actually a bongo? Well, sometimes they pass that drum through the crowd and shine the spotlight on the person who’s holding it, while everyone screams for a bongo solo. Wow the crowd this time around by practicing your bongo solo on your friend’s butt in front of you. It beats standing in line quietly, right?
No matter how you choose to pass the time in line, though, don’t worry about how stupid it may make you look. You already look stupid to everyone else who passes by while going to work or to class instead of imbibing a drink the size of his head, like you. But they won’t be able to go to the super-duper exclusive 55 Days of Café celebration at the end of the semester with you, your five friends and all the people you vaguely recognize from spending time at Café so damn often…So, who’s the real winner here?
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