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A Guide to Drowning Penn Staters’ Sorrows After Our Football’s Losses

It’s been a tough two weeks for Penn Staters. After our recent losses, there’s no time like the present to indulge in a pity party, Penn State-style. The following guide will tell you exactly how to both feel sorry for yourself and get over it before Saquon and the boys kick Rutgers’ ass this Saturday.


Head to the Creamery:

After suffering through the cold on your way to Berkey, you can cry into your Styrofoam cup of Peachy Paterno. Actually, just get a half-gallon at this point. Don’t bother eating it alone in your room or in the middle of the Creamery. No, sit on the sidewalk along Pollock and curse at everyone who stares at the sobbing guy eating a half-gallon of Death By Chocolate on a 50-degree day.


Pray with The Willard Preacher:

In this time of need, you might have to turn to an unlikely source for solace. Go to the Willard Preacher for answers as to why this injustice has descended upon us. If you’re successful, you’ll create a prayer circle at the Willard steps and feel the sense of community in a group cry session.


Make a Sacrifice at Old Main:

The Football Gods have forsaken us. The only way to redeem ourselves and return to their light is to make a sacrifice atop Old Main’s steps. Gather a group of onlookers and choose something like a football or a box of Grilled Stickies to offer The Gods. If you’re feeling lazy, you can also sacrifice your GPA since you won’t need it after damaging it severely all semester-long.

Order Grubhub and Mourn OrderUp:

After the ice cream, you’ll still be hungry, because sobbing in the cold takes a lot of effort. You’ll need to find another Penn State food to cry into, but this time get your food coma delivered to you. When you open the Grubhub app, remember to mourn another Penn State loss: OrderUp. The delivery service that once sustained many a drunken post-game feast has left us forever. Be sure to cry into the OrderUp t-shirt you got from their multiple giveaways.


Rewatch Last Year’s Highlights:

Last season’s astonishing turn-around might offer renewed hope, but either way you’re 100% fake if 2016’s Ohio State game doesn’t bring tears to your eyes. Don’t just watch endless clips by yourself – invite others to join you and take shots in honor of every touchdown. Look back at pictures you took with The Cavalry at the Beaver Canyon riot and reflect on the good old days when you’d ignore the pepper-spray through your post-game glory.


Check Canvas:

After two losses, it’s hard to imagine any way you could feel worse. However, a quick glance at Canvas will distract you from your current sorrows and bring you boundless reasons to curl up in bed and cry. As you look at your grades and upcoming assignments, you’ll forget all about football and instead feel the impending doom of The Canvas Dashboard. When you finally hit submit after rapidly completing all of your assignments before 11:59 p.m., remember this: if you can turn your work in on time, PSU football can definitely make a comeback this season.

Now that you’ve gotten that taken care of, it’s time to get off your ass and prepare to beat Rutgers this weekend. Tears are for babies and Pitt students.

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