The new academic year has commenced at Penn State, and you think you know everything about Penn State. But do you? Do you know everything you smug little butthole? No, so let us tell you what’s undderrated and overrated so you can become cynical sheep like us:
The HUB Center – If you don’t mind being bombarded with fliers from philanthropic psychopaths, overly-involved students, and students with nothing better to do, go to the HUB center. Research shows that most students go to the HUB because it makes them look like they’re involved, which makes sense considering every organization on campus tries to recruit from that area. But let’s be honest here, people only come here to get Starbucks, throttle out some hungover hot snakes in the second floor bathrooms, and hot-foot to class on time.
Greek Life – Congratulations you’re in! For $200 a semester we will be your brothers/sisters, right after psychologically and physically shame you into looking and talking like us. Too many students (freshmen) fall for this trap – for what? Booze? Just ask the homeless guy that lives behind the liquor store – with some light hazing and less money he’ll be your BFF for 2 years then move along to better people.
Communication Majors – Nothing says, “Hey, I only talk about bullshit” like a COMM major. Recently, Penn State conducted an experiment where they placed students of different majors in a large room. After five minutes of non-stop incoherent rambling, the COMM majors were asked to leave. The results found that after the COMM majors left, the room was peaceful. Don’t be a COMM major.
THON – It’s for a good cause, but a line needs to be drawn somewhere between “involved” and “manic”. Manic disorder is a serious disease and has ruined the lives of so many individuals. If you’re failing your classes because of THON, you might be manic. If you donate all your college savings to THON, you might be manic. It’s time for Penn State to take on this serious disorder.
Playing Frisbee – How predictable. Might as well wear a baseball cap, a sleeveless shirt, and hold a red solo cup while you’re at it. It’s probably the most stereotypical thing a college student can do. What possibly can one gain from throwing a plastic disc back and forth to each other?
The Willard Preacher – Where else would you find a middle-aged Christian white man talking about things most of us are too uncomfortable to talk about: SEX! Yes, his methods may be unorthodox, but he’s doing it because Jesus told him to. Give the man a break, it’s not like he wants to be here, it’s because he’s getting paid to be here.
The Bus Loops – It’s the lazy student’s dream, especially if you are too lazy to walk 20 steps to your next destination. Some people tend to take the extra walk because they don’t want to take up space on the bus. Who cares? You’re paying for the damn thing whether you use it or not (much like the gym).
Off-Campus Housing – Living off campus is great. Well, not really great, but better than being supervised by Penn State Housing. The most unpleasant people at Penn State work for housing and food, yet for some odd reason, on-campus is high in-demand. We’ll just sit here off-campus and enjoy our vodka and fireworks.
Cael Sanderson – This guy’s the head coach of the Penn State wrestling team. The same team that won four straight NCAA championships. Yet, we bet if he walked into the HUB, no one would ask for his picture. Poor Cael.
Liberal Arts Professors – Like them or not, Penn State won’t let you graduate without taking one of their courses. When will you ever see a mechanical engineer have his or her job threatened because they can’t name three founding fathers of the United States? Love ’em or hate ’em, it’s better to just accept them.