While most students are off chasing their dreams thanks to recently finishing their degrees, one Penn State University graduate, Ronald Strawman, has decided to chase after a much more personal dream. According to a midnight drunken Facebook post last Tuesday, Strawman has announced his intention of taking over the Penn State college campus and establishing himself as king.
The following morning, Facebook officials released the status to the appropriate authorities, fearing President Eric Barron may come into harm’s way after Strawman posted:
“I b takn over like da king”
Several trusted news reports specifically noted the hostility of Strawman’s social media rant. Faux News reporter Michael Bach noted that “Such a foreign and mysterious language can only be interpreted as an act of war, since anything that isn’t Pure White American at heart is a threat to our society.”
However, in a surprising turn of events, President Barron conceded his position as acting president in order to avoid any campus bloodshed.
“History books shall remember me as the college president that avoided war by refusing to throw wave after wave of students at the enemy like he originally intended to,” announced President Barron at a makeshift resignation ceremony, “Commemorate my bravery for almost doing something but then choosing to do nothing!
The Penn State Board of Trustees sent out a squad of police officers to find the location of Strawman’s residence. Upon forceful entry, they discovered our new king in a hungover state, completely unaware of what had happened the previous night. After the officers picked the unconscious graduate out of his room, he was lead to his newly constructed throne made of swords at the stairs of Old Main.
“We wanted to make sure the throne was relevant” added newly administered McDonald’s manager Eric Barron, “Something you kids call ‘Thrones of Game’ or something? Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go mop up vomit in the men’s bathroom for the 6th time today.”
Despite still being hungover from the night before, Strawman was able to process past the cloudiness of his brain and saw an opportunity to help college newcomers. Instantly, King Ronald Strawman declared that his first action as the newly appointed king of State College would be to make college courses and resources completely free for all students who chose to attend Penn State University. It was then and there that the Board of Trustees, Faux News, and every other major force in the Central Pennsylvania area declared Strawman to be a socialist and was overthrown instantly.
Feeling it was appropriate for the former ruler, newly appointed Dictator Bob Hitler legalized the usage of gluttonies for Strawman’s own execution. When asked to comment on why Strawman had instigated his own death by spewing such irrational and traitorous ideas, Strawman simply responded:
“At least death is easier than paying off student loans.”
Author’s Final Note:
(To everyone at the Black Sheep, and even those who read all my shit, I wish you all the best of luck and thanks for letting me spew out such weird stories every week. It’s been a blast!)