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Penn State President Demands 60% Increase in Partying After National Shortage

According to a recent review conducted by Princeton, it appears that Penn State’s party school status, and the number of occupants on the student liver transplant list, may slowly be slipping, as the college has fallen to No. 13 on the Princeton Review’s “Top 20 Party Schools” list.  While some would consider this a blessing in disguise, it appears that President Eric Barron feels differently, with the university leader immediately calling for an increase in student partying.

 

“Every student of State College must do their part to circumvent this shortage” began President Barron, “Go get trashed, have sex with everyone you can, go get a new addiction.  Anything and everything will help cure our slump in social standings!”

 

To help accommodate the need for such an increase in partying, the Penn State Board of Trustees has decided to install “Cocaine and methamphetamine” dispensers throughout ever bathroom on campus, hoping to spark interest in the drugs. In addition, concealment of alcoholic beverages will no longer be punishable by academic intervention, and instead, students who drink during fall classes will be rewarded with a grade boost.

 

“We’re even introducing a new drinking game for students to play during the slower sections of class time” continued President Barron, “Every time you professor takes a breath, you take a shot”

 

With such an increase in drug usage and sexual exploits, Penn State students of the sciences have estimated there will be an increase in student death by 365%, an increase in STD transmission by 675%, and almost every student in State College will need a new  liver and genitalia before the fall semester is through.  When asked to comment on why Penn State is willing to allow massive student suicides just to increase national ranking in party school status, Barron finally remarked that:

 

“Why be world renowned for helping your students find jobs, or providing services to establish our students in the world, when we can focus on the less important things in life, like sports and booze?”

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