According to State College police, college freshman Matthew Cooper has been arrested for setting over five different dorms buildings on fire in a desperate ploy to avoid any further encounters with females in the first days of classes.
“I wasn’t always like this, I used to be a complete stud” began Matthew Cooper, “I had high hopes for myself nabbing a girl for coitus, much like American Pie except a lot more pathetic.”
The parents of the arsonist believed their son had a promising future attending Penn State in not only growing in education, but finally find a girlfriend, which Matt has strangely lacked in all eighteen years of existence. Cooper’s roommate Danny Storm, however, claims that the moment Cooper ran into a female moving in to their dorm, Cooper’s mindset of “Hoes before woes” changed instantly.
“At first she tried saying hello to him in an awkward ‘Please get the hell out of my way’ kind of sense” began Storm, “but before she could say anything else, a match and a tank of gasoline just materialized into Matt’s hands.”
“In the first millisecond or so, it wasn’t so bad talking to her” added Cooper, “but it was the last ten milliseconds of our in-depth conversation that I knew she was a harlot who would only break my heart.”
University police, addressing the recent crime, believed that Cooper not only set his own dorm a blaze in order to avoid future encounters with Ms. Storm, but also destroyed an additional four dormitories in a combination of “female evasion and overkill.”
“I would just like to point the blame towards anyone but myself, and proclaim this to Tinder’s fault for my continued rejection” ended Cooper, “and the name Tinder just reminded me that’s what’s used to make fires, much like the remnants of my soul thanks to the opposite sex.”
In order to repair the fire damages on campus, President Eric Barron has announced yet another spike in student tuition to help cover the costs, with President Barron adding “We wouldn’t want to dip into the college’s $2.5 trillion ‘rainy day fund’ for such a trivial matter.”