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Penn State Suede Lacoste Shoe Bandits Send Threatening Ransom Note

 

What started off as a fun story surrounding college debauchery took a dark turn Wednesday when the owner of the shoes, whose name will be withheld for legal reasons, received a threatening ransom note.

 

“My life has been turned upside down since I lost the shoes. They were the shoes my grandpa was wearing when he stormed the beaches of Normandy. I thought I would pay almost any cost to get the shoes back, but their demands are just too exuberant for a college student,” said the depressed college student.

 

The chilling ransom letter read:

 

“we have your suede lactose shoes. if you want them back come to the hub with a briefcase containing $20000 at 2 PM. we will cut an inch of shoe lacing off every day we don’t have our money. we suggest getting the money to us quickly. we are impatient and have a temper.”

            xoxoxoxo,

            SLSB

 

FBI criminal profilers and handwriting experts have studied the ransom note, and it appears these girls are dangerous and likely to strike again.

 

“It’s clear that these girls are repeat offenders. Their willingness to murder an innocent shoe reflects psychopathic tendencies. They are probably outcasts, only sneaking into parties to enact their sick fantasies. We have not seen a case like this since Dahmer,” said FBI profiler John Keenan.

 

“The dotted hearts above their I’s is a clear display of a sadistic need to murder. The fact that she only capitalized their names show that they feel they are above the rest of society. These are two dangerous women,” said handwriting expert Lisa Sayre.

 

With the help of the FBI, campus police are working tirelessly to bring these to catch these menaces to society. At press time, campus police are responding to reports of suede material washing up from a local river.

 

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