The last canning weekend Penn Staters will ever see has come and gone. No longer will students have the chance to stand outside asking for money in the name of charity. However, students will also no longer have to explain themselves to the doubtful, millennial-hating baby boomers students all know and love.
At her neighborhood grocery store, soccer mom Carol tried her best to point canners in the right direction. “I was just picking up casserole ingredients when I saw these smelly kids sitting on the ground shaking cans. I thought they were college drop-outs that needed money for food and somewhere to stay. I told them where the nearest shelter is, but they only laughed at me. I’ve never met such unappreciative homeless people before!”
While soccer moms took pity on the canners, others had a harsher take. “The one time I didn’t bother saying ‘Donate to THON’ this elderly man told me to ‘Get a job, liberal.’ I tried explaining it’s FTK, but he only told me to use a condom next time,” lamented sophomore Alex Williams.
Grandmother Mildred Johnson explained why she was so disturbed by canning. “It’s a shame so many youngsters have to live on the street and stand around with cans, but I just couldn’t trust that my money wasn’t going to go to the weed or the pot.”
After a long day of explaining canning to old people, junior Alicia Thomas looked at the bright side of the situation. “Imagine what we’d be mistaken for if we could still can on street corners. I mean, a bunch of young girls dancing around on a corner…”