Sometimes you’ll look at a fellow Penn State student wearing a greasy, oversized Hines Ward jersey and wonder just where he might be from in the state of Pennsylvania. Perhaps you may see someone driving around in a modified pickup truck with confederate flags emblazoned on the side almost run over a woman eating a long sandwich she insists on calling a “hoagie”. You probably have absolutely no idea where these people grew up, but have no fear because this definitive guide will help you sort things out.
Pittsburgh is a remarkable city in that it holds the world’s #1 worst university: The University of Pittsburgh. Penn State students who are Pittsburgh natives pride themselves for their good taste in having overcome the brainwashing and advertisements throughout the city proclaiming that Pitt is a decent school. They remain very loyal to 2 of their city’s 3 sports teams, except for last year when the Pirates actually made the playoffs somehow. Notable Pittsburgh activities include putting French Fries on sandwiches.
The City of Brotherly Love does have its fair share of assholes. Philadelphians will engage in sexual relations with what they consider to be a good cheesesteak, and they definitely have no idea how to pronounce the word “water” (wood-er?). Philly sports fans regularly have their dreams crushed by the Eagles, Flyers, Phillies, and at one time, the 76ers. With no dreams or aspirations left, Philadelphia natives have a strong fear of commitment and remain enrolled in DUS for as long as possible.
Outside of Philly/Near Philly:
The mystical land of “near Philly” is an area that newscasters call the “Greater Delaware Valley.” These people are a bunch of rich kids with rich dads who went to rich schools and wound up here at Penn State. Reliving their glory days at their high-end private high schools, Near Philly dudes will wear the douchiest clothing they can find while near Philly ladies wear very tight dresses and tall heels. Although their diction is slightly improved over their true Philadelphian counterparts, Near Philly people still insist on calling a sub a “hoagie,” whatever that means… probably bullshit.
Lancaster & Surrounding Farmland:
If you’re not hanging around the College of Agricultural Sciences a lot, you may not even have seen someone who was from Lancaster County. These students are often much too busy kissing their John Deere equipment to intermingle with the liberal arts, business, or STEM majors. Don’t take these “farmer” types for granted. Recently, farming turned into Agricultural Science which apparently involves putting a bunch of chemicals in our food to make them grow bigger and keep citizens oppressed by Monsanto-controlled shadow government. Lancaster county will soon rule the world.
Remember when you were driving to school and all the roads were really steep and windy and you couldn’t wait to finally get to State College? There are actually some people who live in those mountains and around all the turnpike scenery. These students are very difficult to spot because they are usually wearing camouflage around campus. Even if you did find one of these students, they would immediately try to tell you that country music is good and the South will rise again.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: