How do you respond when your friends bring up the fact that we only have two weeks left of school before becoming “alumni”? You shut their asses up, of course. Nobody needs that negativity. Since someone always feels the urge to say something about the G-word when we’re already drinking to forget about it, why not turn diverting their comments into a drinking game?
Here’s How It Goes:
Your sentimental friend (probably a damn Pisces) whines, “Guysssss, can you believe we’re graduating in two weeks?”
In unison, you and your friends yell, “We’re going to a Penn State Football game at Beaver Stadium! And we’re bringing a case of beer!” and everyone has to finish the drinks in their hands. Sure, it’s not football season, and you won’t actually be going to a game, but whatevs. You’ll just have to pretend.
Then, your sappy friend who can’t keep his mouth shut has to respond with at least three items you would actually bring to a tailgate or into the stadium for a home game.
Step 4: If your emotional friend doesn’t mess up on Step 3, rotate around the group naming things to take to a game or tailgate until someone chokes. Then, that person has to proceed through the progressive humiliation between friends that is the PSU Graduation Denial Drinking Game.
If he messes up—names something stupid or something you can’t actually bring in with you (like a bag)—he has to sing the entirety of o the nearest piece of Penn State paraphernalia. If someone has a JoePa poster, that’s who he sings to. If someone has a Penn State tattoo (which is more common than you’d expect), you know the deal. Everybody else in attendance has to drink waterfall-style until the alma mater is over or the singer screws up the lyrics.
Because we’ve been here for four years, we’ve seen some things. But not all the same things. So, think of the most embarrassing story you can tell about one of your friends who’s at the party or pregame, and tell it without saying who it’s about. Afterward, on the count of three, everyone has to yell the name of the person who they think totally peed her pants while droppin’ it low on the Pickle’s bar to Luke Bryan’s “Country Girl.” RIP to that Tuesday night tradition. If you guessed wrong, drink. If the story was about you, finish your drink.
Once someone has told an embarrassing story about you, and you’ve finished your drink, run from wherever you are to the Nittany Lion Shrine. Penn State didn’t force us all to take a gym class for nothing! Hopefully your friends don’t get tired of the game and leave you straddling the lion like you did as a freshman at NSO. Given that your squad isn’t flaky AF, wait until everyone arrives at the Lion Shrine. Then, let the person with the least embarrassing story take the picture of all of you mounted on the lion, as punishment for being the lamest link in your friend chain.
Immediately after taking the picture, get hyped up Happy Valley-style by singing a couple rounds of “Zombie Nation” in a Jersey Shore fist-pumping dance circle. Once everyone is ready, race to your friend group’s designated favorite bar downtown. The last person there owes everyone a shot. You are absolutely forbidden to discuss which bar you’re going to, at all. If you’re a true team, you’ll already know exactly where to go.
So, what happens if you end up at a different bar than the rest of your friends? Well, you probably weren’t that close anyway, and graduation doesn’t have to be as depressing for you, after all. Other than the fact that you failed to forge lifelong bonds over the four most college years of your life. Damn.