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Shit You’re Too Old For at Penn State

While transitioning into a human being who needs to start checking LinkedIn more often than BuzzFeed, you ponder (and Google) how to act like this mythical creature: A soon-to-be-graduate. Whether your continuous immature actions are plain habit or signs of your not-so-secret quarter-life crisis, The Black Sheep is here to assure you that the real world is right around the corner. This is not a drill. Here’s real life you partaking in shit you’re too old for at Penn State.

7.) Singing on the Whoop:
It’s like singing in the shower, but with clothes on and no water. It’s 1a.m. and you’re on the White Loop leaving downtown. You soooo don’t care what other students think of you, although your booty shorts may tell them otherwise. How reassuring when the students on the bus sing along! Well, until all of them except you get off at East Halls. While the bus pulls away, you look at yourself in the reflection of the bus windows. Why are you sitting here? You live downtown, and have for the past 2 years.

 

6.) Eating in Campus Dining Halls:
That’s why you’re spending money on a Commuter Meal Plan, right? 21-year-olds should definitely be eating every meal from the Hub and Redifer. In job interviews, you probably still say your biggest strength is being independent.

5.) Sitting in Forum, “Making Friends”:
You’re talking to the two strangers sitting next to you, acting as if you don’t already have the homework answers for every class in your major and minor from the last couple years. What are you chasing then — is it the classic dream of a one-night stand with a study partner? Or maybe we’re just ridiculing you for being a nice, friendly, decent human.

4.) Consecutive Night-out Snap Stories:
Freshmen obviously take a while to become adjusted to the culture of Penn State. This means that they’re expected to take multiple Snap Stories of a night drinking on Frat Row. As a junior or senior, on the other hand, creating 10 Snap Stories of each individual drink you legally purchase at Champs Tuesday through Saturday definitely says nothing about your future vision and priorities in life.

3.) Going to The Phyrst:
You turned 21 11 months ago, yet a great night out for you still entails a grimy basement. “I only go for low-key vibes and to eat some Phyrst fries with some live music playing,” you tell your friends as you secretly order yourself a blowjob shot and grind on the girl with a green birthday hat. By the end of the night, you’ve added yet another stolen hat to your collection.

2.) Canyon Pizza:
You’re in line for Canyon while deep late-night thoughts hit you hard. “I’m probably the only person in this entire line who knows what GameCube is,” you think. A chant starts by a couple girls in front of you, “We Are… At Canyon!” As soon as you get your three pepperoni cheese slices drenched in ranch, you whisper to yourself some encouragement, “Sweetie you’re doing fine.”

1.) Throwing Up Your Canyon Afterwards:
You couldn’t even complete your shameful Beaver Avenue walk without stopping to upchuck some of that ingested cardboard. Got to love it when Drunk You does a favor for Next Day Sober You! In the morning you’ll wake up with the taste of pizza and puke lingering in the back of your throat. Joy!

God dammit, when will you realize you’re too old for this shit.

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