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State College Secedes from America After Trump Wins 2016 Election

With the recent and incredibly disturbing news of Donald Trump’s electoral victory making global headlines, the little blue city of State College, PA has decided that enough is enough. Hours after Trump was elected president, City Hall passed an emancipation act that will allow State College to secede from America, creating the Free State of New Penn.  

This independent little town took a major blow when Bernie wasn’t the democratic nominee, and essentially cried itself to sleep on election night. Since then, they have picked themselves up and decided to do what Texas has been threatening for decades.

“I’m still waiting for someone to say ‘annnnd scene!’ and tell the nation that this was all a huge performance art piece,” said Kara Johns, a registered Democrat and current emotional wreck.

The historic railways of State College are currently being uprooted and re-purposed as a barrier around the city. Penn State art students as well as local craftsmen are coming together to weld this new border. This will separate the Free State of New Penn from the rest of the sinkhole that is America and this state.

When asked about the irony of building a wall to separate them from the rest of the Trump run nation, Ethan Eves, pissed-off citizen and noted social justice warrior, had this to say: “Fuck off, our wall isn’t built off of misogyny and intolerance.”

FSNP plans to open up channels of commerce to trustworthy cities in the southwest. Such towns seem to be few and far between in light of our newly elected commander in chief. City Hall has been in communication with other blue towns in red states. The Free State of New Penn  hopes to be a light in this dark and orange tinted time. Currently State College is primarily using Morse code and carrier pigeons to communicate, as conventional methods of contact cannot be trusted.

New Penn State is opening its doors to all fearful immigrants, LGBT+ members, minorities, and women. You can be as brown, gay, and foreign as you want without fearing for your pussy being grabbed.


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