You’re on campus, and all of sudden you feel a little pressure down below. You need to take a double-decker dump, and fast. Where’s the best place to go? Here are a couple of popular shitting spots around campus, and the pros/cons of using that bathroom, in case you have time to read an entire article and find the best one before unloading in your drawers.
Pros: Isn’t it the worst when you’re studying studying and a shit hits you like a ton of bricks. Sometimes you don’t have time to find an upper-level toilet. Your dorm toilet always gets the job done. It’s only a few steps away, so you don’t have waddle too far with your asscheeks clenched. Also, you’re not clogging those sit-down stalls. If you get close enough that toilet will take your goddamn arm off.
Cons: The cramped quarters of a stall are a bummer. You know the other people who have shit there, so you have to work that image out in your head. If it’s bad enough you might be known as that kid who smelt up your whole dorm floor. If your floor is co-ed this could be a bigger problem. You can’t claim it wasn’t you. Douchebags remember what your shoes look like for this exact reason.
Pros: It’s one of the few places on the campus where you can get a bathroom completely to yourself. If you want you could take you’re pants off and do your business all-natural, no one would know. Just remember to put them back on before you go back into the HUB. You don’t want to be that guy… we know from experience.
Cons: Somehow the floor is always wet. It’s not even urine. There’s just always water on the ground in the bathroom. It’s a scientific marvel. There’s also usually a line, so if it’s an emergency, you should probably go with the bigger bathroom. Also, it means you have to make eye contact with the poor soul waiting to go in after you. Seeing his face will only intensify the guilt you’ll feel for subjecting another human being to that wretchedness.
Pro: If you’re in forum, it’s convenient. That’s… about… it.
Con: We’re pretty sure it’s unsafe for public usage. The smell is enough to kill a small bear. The floor is covered in what looks like run-off from a cesspool. There are two stalls. One is always out of order and the other is constantly filled with shit. There is no way the substance in the soap dispenser is not soap. No one ever flushes, and if they do it usually clogs the toilet. There is never any toilet paper or paper towels. Finally, someone actually had enough and shit in the urinal. Avoid at all costs.
Pro: The food at the “Big Onion” is delicious. Unfortunately, it’s not always the kindest on the stomach. When you suddenly feel those chicken nuggets you ate 15 minutes ago at the bottom of your stomach in a liquid state, this is the quickest option.
Cons: It’s freezing cold. It’s not relaxing taking a shit with gradually hardening nipples. Also somehow people miss throwing their toilet paper in the toilet. How incompetent does one have to be to miss the toilet bowl? Then they just leave it there. Fucking people.