It’s time for another edition of our Top Ten Assholes. Until the HUB finally finishes the expansion to accommodate the growing amount of assholes at Penn State, students and faculty will have to tolerate them in this limited amount of space. Here are the Top Ten.
10.) The Overly Involved Assholes:
During the fifteen minute rush students have to get from class to class, the last thing they want to do is join a sorority, go to the lacrosse game, or buy a homecoming t-shirt. These assholes aren’t doing students a favor by bombarding them with fliers either. The only thing these assholes succeed at is giving us another reason to be pissed off at 9 a.m. on a Monday.
9.) Student Programming ASSociation:
On Fridays and Saturdays the library closes early, so nerds scramble to find a place to study for that big exam in three weeks. Unfortunately, that’s also when the SPA holds loud events, which attracts hoards of manic college students, in the middle of the HUB. The poor dweebs have nothing better to do; they can’t study in their dorm because their obnoxious roommate is socializing and doing drugs. The least SPA can do is let them be nerdy in peace.
8.) This Asshole:
7.) The Improv Assholes:
There is a list of things that our parents taught us not to do in public, and practicing improv should be one of them. The HUB is not a stage to shine. You will not get college students to sit down and think, “Wow, this is really funny. I’m going to stay here and watch.” A recruiter from NBC is not walk through the HUB anytime soon.
6.) The assholes that make a mess when they eat:
Rarely will you find a clean table that isn’t riddled with Panda Express rice or Burger King lettuce. They know how lazy the clean up staff is, why are they still doing this? This is college; it shouldn’t be that hard to keep something in your mouth. Well, if you’re a sorority girl at least.
5.) The assholes Penn State hires to clean the HUB:
Probably the laziest Homo sapiens one can ever encounter work in the HUB. One can’t simply walk through the HUB without stepping in something sticky from another asshole that spilt their coffee. The HUB has literally become the dumpster of State College, PA, thanks to these assholes.
4.) The assholes of the Young Americans for Freedom:
In a recent attempt to gain free publicity, these assholes created a fire hazard by blocking the exit of the HUB with propaganda they want to shove down our throats. Of course it sparked outrage from other Fox “News” watching assholes, who gave them the attention they desperately wanted. To the rest of the world, they’re just attention whores.
3.) The HUB dining assholes:
Burger King closes at 4 p.m. on a weekday and the other fast-food eateries, like Chick-fil-A, close at 3 p.m. What fast-food restaurant closes at 4pm on a weekday? This is a campus. Students enjoy greasy and MSG-infested slop that you call food — the non-dickish thing to do is to stay open at least until 9 p.m. There is a reason why Panda Express, Sbarro, and Starbucks isn’t on this list, they at least close at 9 p.m.
2.) The PSU Black Sheep Staff:
Without a proper room to meet on campus, the writing staff is forced to meet on one of the tables near the Starbucks, and disrupt hardworking students with their usual antics. You can’t blame us for not having a place to meet; PSU wants nothing to do with us. Until then we’ll just keep holding our obnoxious meetings in the HUB ruining everyone else’s day.
1.) Assholes who threaten mass murder:
These assholes have a sick sense of humor. We at The Black Sheep tell some pretty awful jokes and even we find these assholes disturbing. Sometimes it makes us wonder if they’re trying to make it on to America’s Dumbest Criminals. What kind of criminal tells the Internet their plan to commit mass murder?
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: