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Top 10: Reasons I’m a Disappointment to Penn State

 

I love Penn State, but unfortunately I often fall short of the expectations this great school has for me. Here are 10 ways I’m a disappointment to Penn State.

 

10.) I’ve Gotten on the Back of The Cata Bus:
A couple months ago was a new college student with a twinkle in his eye and a plan to take the Penn State campus by storm. I was waiting to take a bus into town when I recognized everyone was going towards the front door to enter which left the line at the back door empty. Being the pragmatic guy I am, I decided to enter through the back door and was met with eye-rolls, groans, and offensive remarks about my freshman status.

 

9.) I Think the Nittany Lion is Kind of a Dick:
It’s not talked about much, but the mascot of the college is kind of a jerk. He walks around the stadiums like he owns the place, and he can’t even dance. He crowd dives on poor unsuspecting people, and then they’re the bad guys for dropping him. The school should definitely look into bringing back Old Coaly.

 

8.) I Did Not Know the Actual Meaning Behind “Milk and Cookies”:
For the first two months of the semester, I kept getting Facebook party invites. Every invite mentioned that their would be “milk and cookies” at the party. I never made the connection regarding what this fun snack actually represented. I actually attended a few parties on an empty stomach because I expected milk and cookies; only to be let down when all they had was alcohol.

 

7.) I’ve Never Gotten a Picture with the Lion Statue:
You know that famous lion statue that every person who visits Penn State gets a picture with? I didn’t. I’ve never gotten a picture with it, and I didn’t even know it existed until I was scolded by about 20 other students for not knowing what it was. Honestly, I’m still not too sure where it is.

 

6.) I Don’t Think Pokey Sticks Are All That Special:
I mean it’s just cheesy bread. It’s good but it’s not the best thing that I’ve ever consumed (that would be European pig snout). This might be because I had them so built up in my head that they couldn’t possibly meet my unrealistic expectations. Like, my NSO guide leader literally interrupted her “silence is not consent speech” and went into a diatribe about the beauty of pokey sticks.

 

5.) I Leave the Football Games at Halftime:
They’re cold, they’re crowded, and the alcohol usually wears out by halftime. The second half of the game usually consists of an oncoming headache and me mumbling profanities every time the coach decides to throw the ball and risks stopping the clock. I’d much rather spend that half in my bed in my warm dorm not surrounded by hundreds of drunk kids.

 

4.) I Watched Gone Girl Alone Last Friday Night:
While the majority of kids wore out partying and drinking, I was in my dorm watching Gone Girl. I don’t even regret it. It was a glorious film that left me on the edge of my seat. Also, I finally understand what people mean when they say “that’s gone girl crazy.”

 

3.) I Thought Christian Hackenberg was a Religious Organization:
Big deal, I didn’t know that Christian Hackenberg was the name of the starting quarterback at Penn State. It does sound a little like a religious organization. Maybe they spread the word of their savior Jesus Christ through Hackensack fundraisers in Pittsburg.

 

2.) I Do My Homework a Few Days Before It’s Due:
I’m afraid to admit this one out of fear for my safety. Sometimes, when I have extra time I try to finish my homework a couple of days before the due date. I generally keep this a secret because I’ve seen it bring violent reactions out of people, or leads to 15 texts asking if I can send pictures of it the night before it’s due.

 

1.) The First Time I Visited the Penn State Campus was NSO:
My mom went to Penn State, all my uncles went to Penn State, my aunt went to Penn State. I live two hours away from the campus, yet I’ve never been up here until my NSO date. I looked at the campus online and figured it looked cool enough. Luckily, I made the right choice.

 

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