Ah, yet again, all the half decent schools in the Pittsburgh area are closed. There’s snow on the ground, rain pouring down from the sky, and all you’d like to do is curl up in bed all day with some hot chocolate spiked with Baileys. However, we don’t go to a half decent school, we go to Pitt. And you’re going to be late for class. Why not pick a spot in the snow and give up? We have a few ideas to help you pick your final resting place.
5.) Schenley Park:
Could you get a more scenic graveyard than this? While it’s beautiful in the springtime, during winter Schenley Park is just another reminder of what you hate about Pittsburgh–the fucking weather. Thankfully, this park offers you tons of options. If Panther Hollow isn’t closed, you can just throw yourself into the lake. Personally, we wouldn’t go just that far. Just drag yourself up to the top of Flagstaff Hill, and spend your final few moments staring through the glass of Phipps at all the flowers. When you finally feel your overwhelming existentialist dread overtake you, close your eyes and resign yourself to the snow.
4.) Schenley Plaza:
Keeping with the Schenleys, why not memorialize Conflict Kitchen? As the memory of our favorite politically motivated restaurant dies, so do we. Just plant yourself outside of the new Mesa restaurant and think about the times in the spring where you’d lay on the grass and soak up the sun. But the grass is dead now and you haven’t seen the sun in months. Maybe donate your body to Asia Tea House once they dig you out of the snow–you might just be part of a new recipe.
3.) On top of the Panther:
Why not become a monument to the stress we must undergo as Pitt students? A favorite of new students, plant yourself in your favorite pose on the Panther statue. We don’t care if it’s outside of the Union or the Pete. As you freeze you’ll become basically a human statue, breaking freshmen’s school spirit with the harsh reality of the suffering they’ll have to endure for the next 4 years.
2.) On top of Cathy:
Let that weird spotlight they tested out project the image of your body into the sky. You’ve always wanted to go to the top of the Cathedral, and this is your chance to spend eternity there, next to our beloved victory lights (if they ever light up again). Be sure to ask Pitt to keep playing those weird bird noises so that the crows don’t eat you.
1.) Your front lawn:
Why go through the trouble of finding a fancy space? You’ll be dead anyway. Just crawl outside of your house and let the snow take it away.
While we don’t advocate actually dying, maybe giving some of these a try and just laying in the snow will cause you to have an epiphany that you do have some semblance of energy left to finish the spring semester. Stay strong. And to the seniors, rest in peace.
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