76-61, the score of the Pitt-Syracuse basketba-wait what? Nope, that’s right folks, that’s a Syracuse vs. Pitt football score. Yeah. The way we think it went down (we dunno, we were too busy eating turkey and drinking parental alcohol to watch at The Black Sheep) was a situation that can be described in one word: pulp.
You see, panthers get tired of shredding oranges and by the fourth quarter, after almost nobody had played defense on either team, our defense got especially tired which led to a comeback to break the record for the amount of points scored in a college football game. So, to make fun of the fact Syracuse scored 61 points and still lost, we have compiled a list of fruit more intimidating than a lousy old orange.
5) A Tomato:
Yep, all those fun fact people were right, a tomato is a fruit. Which means it can totally be more cool than an orange because it makes great soups, awesome salads, and of course, it goes on the all-time favorite food group of Antoons and Sorrento lovers, pizza. Plus, you could throw rotten tomatoes at the Syracuse Otto the Orange mascot after they lost.
4) A Banana:
Banana pancakes, bananas and peanut butter, banana upside down cake, and of course, just plain old bananas are way cooler. They’re really easy to peel if done correctly, unlike oranges, and don’t have a pH of around 3 which is bad for your teeth.
3) A Kiwi:
The tropical and exotic fruit, there is nothing more hairy, tender, and sweet than a kiwi unless you’re talking about coach Narduzzi himself, the notorious kicker kisser. Kick back, slice one in half, and enjoy knowing that this fruit only requires a spoon and contains useful antioxidants unlike oranges who can only boast the questionably helpful vitamin C.
2) A Singular Grape:
Yes, one grape is cooler than a whole orange. And you make wine from grapes, and that’s the third best food group below pizza and beer. Plus they’re crunchy and cool, oranges are just meh. When some mom brought grapes to half time at your pee wee soccer game, instead of orange slices making everything sticky, you just scarfed a few grapes and you were good to go.
What does it taste like? We don’t know. Where does it grow? Probably the lair of a dragon. Bottom line, it has dragon in the name, so it’s cooler than orange, which doesn’t even rhyme with anything.
So next time you go to the supermarket and wonder if you should buy fruit, don’t even consider the orange. In fact, don’t consider any of it and just go straight to blowing money on pizza and beer.
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