In the last two weeks fresh face scholars from all over the country have been pouring into Pittsburgh, doing their best to fill every nook and cranny Pittsburgh has to offer, and with this swelling it is always easy to spot a true Pittsburgher among the “just outside of Philly” crowd.
Nobody wants to look like an outsider in a city that begs on bended knee to be called a home, and that’s where The Black Sheep comes in. For your leisure and convenience we’ve compiled a list of a few tips and tricks to keep you disguised as a local-yokel while you get the lay of the land a bit.
Rule #1: Get Used to the Hills
We aren’t in Kansas anymore Toto and that means there are hills… everywhere. You might recall a cute Pathfinder during O-Week that told you how hard it is to mount Cardiac Hill in stilettos at 3 a.m. on a Friday night, and girl — that is 200% correct, but if you think for a single second that complaining about the hills will get you anywhere in Pittsburgh, then you’ve got another thing coming. Trust us when we say that we don’t really even care a little bit if your feet hurt.
Here’s a hot tip: buy a sensible pair of shoes and prepare to have the hottest calves on the east coast, because you’ve got four years on a real life stair master to look forward to.
Rule #2: Never Miss an Opportunity to Snap a Quick Pic of Cathy
Even a dah’n-tah’n-yinzer with two years of high school under his belt will tell you that the Cathedral of Learning is just about the sweetest thing you’ll ever see. Sure you can diversify your Instagram with a couple zany shots of the dino-dude in front of the museum, but if you really want to take it up a notch and drive your high school friends positively bonkers with envy then you need to be snagging some shots of the classy lady across the street.
If you want some solid suggestions then we’d suggest that you keep a few pics tucked away in your back pocket, just in case the lighting on that baby isn’t as delicious tomorrow morning. It’s almost impossible that you’ll ever run into that problem, but a scout has gotta be prepared.
Rule #3: BLEED BLACK AND YELLOW
Do you wanna get into a fist fight during syllabus week? The answer is no. This rule is pretty simple, and yet most of you are gonna totally screw it. If we ask you what your favorite sports team is and you say anything that isn’t the Pittsburgh Steelers, the Pittsburgh Pirates, or the Pittsburgh Penguins then you’re gonna lose your fucking teeth. We didn’t make these rules man, don’t go shooting the massager. This noise was set in stone before Ben Franklin cracked the Liberty Bell.
We’re not saying you can’t watch the Cleveland Browns get creamed every Sunday to kingdom dumb, but you’re in Steelers country now sweet cheeks and these people literally go feral at the sight of a Reggie Miller jersey (and they don’t even know who that guy is). So keep your dirty little mouth sipped.
Rule #4: A Primanti Sandwich Tastes Absolutely Redonk
Trust me. I’m eating one right now, and even my fingers are crying tears of joy. Well just the fingers on my left hand. Also my chest is really starting to hur-
Rule #5: Oakland isn’t Pittsburgh
Yes it’s a pretty swanky spot, but you can only spend so many days in Oakland before you start to crack. Spread your wings a bit lil’ birdie, we’ve got some madcap exploration opportunities for ya here.
Start small. Don’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with. There’s a Chipotle across the street from a Qdoba in Shady Side, that’s a common place for people to test their training wheels (also the lines are like a thousand times shorter). There’s a Target in East Liberty where even the shopping carts get to ride the escalator, and also you can buy groceries while you’re there! There’s a movie theatre in Squirrel Hill that has a bar inside! Actually watch out for that, because if you black out in a theatre then you’ll probably have to see the movie again.
Stay cherry Panthers.
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