It’s the middle of winter: you gave up on your New Year’s Resolution to go to the Pete gym after one “run” on the treadmill, your daily diet of Sorrento’s, Starbucks, and whatever shit they’re serving at Market is adding up, and you have an 8 a.m on the third floor of Cathy. Here are some tips to keep other people from seeing your blatant dysfunction after those stairs in Cathy.
5.) The “I just finished my marathon!” move:
Invest your money in some athletic clothes. For girls, Lulu Lemon is a great way to look like a yoga instructor who eats granola and boys, any brand works, because people will not judge you. Walk into Cathy and then slowly jog up your three flights of stairs. Once at the top, shout “I just finished my marathon!” If people believe you ran a whopping twenty-six miles before going to class, they’ll think the amount of sweat you are covered in is perfectly adequate rather than a medical anomaly.
4.) The “move your ass, Grandma!” device:
Another stellar way to hide the hitch of your breath after only a couple stairs is to bring a grandma with you to Cathy. She doesn’t have to specifically be your grandma, any old, decrepit woman will do! Tell her that Ronald Reagan’s great-grandson is chilling in the stairwell wishing he could find another fiscal conservative to talk with. She’ll be following you like a Golden Retriever! As you walk up the stairs, routinely shout, “Move your ass, Grandma! I don’t have all day, woman! Could you go any slower?” to disguise the fact that her optimal speed is actually also yours.
3.) Incite a riot:
If you don’t have time for some complex plan, just straight up start a riot. Kids at Pitt are always pissed about something! If you’re feeling brave, shout, “The 10A driver just said Penn State was the superior school! She’s idling outside Cathy right now!” The stairwells will be empty for you to wheeze in while every single student within earshot bands together to murder the innocent woman you just sacrificed.
2.) The engineering student gag:
Fair warning: you should have a lot of patience for this one. Snag an engineering student from Benedum and bring them into the stairwell. As they begin to drip condescending comments like, “Wow, it must be nice to not be so busy!” or “I can’t believe you have time to take the stairs, I just teleport everywhere because as an engineering student I am in CONSTANT demand trying to create the robots that will eventually kill us!” everyone passing by won’t even notice that you’re half-dead because they’ll be thinking of ways to kill the engineering student.
1.) Just take the elevator, you sack of shit:
Who do you think you’re kidding? After sludging across the dangerously icy Fifth Avenue at ass o’clock in the morning, three flights of stairs are the kick in the gut that could just push you over the edge into nervous breakdown territory. Shuffle into the basement, ignore the signs that specifically forbid what you are doing, and take the elevator up those thirty steps. Pretend to scroll through Twitter even though you have no service to avoid the judgmental glare of the well-dressed woman traveling to Floor 28. What does that bitch know?
These helpful tips can protect you from the terrifying realization that you are incapable of doing even the most simple of tasks. Denial is the key to a happy college experience–and a heart attack in your late thirties, but let’s forget about that for now!
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