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6 Better Ways To Make Students Stay for All Four Quarters of Pitt Football

It used to be in the third quarter, after we all shared body heat and sang our favorite song with friends, but now, what do we look forward to at the end of getting clobbered by some other offense that can throw something other than slant routes? Some stale chips and something called Mountain Dew Spiked (which is not even alcoholic), and a sweaty bus ride back home. Indeed, staying all four quarters of football, a sport best enjoyed when you don’t know which way is up, is tough. Pitt football is even more complicated by the fact that lately, we have been kind of wetting the bed. So here are some new ideas Pitt should use to bribe us to stay.

6.) Free booze:
Duh, this is a no brainer. What do we want after a full day of drunk? A full night of drunk! So give us some Smirnoff Ice or something else trashy, we’ll drink anything. Don’t worry officer, I’m definitely 21.

5.) We rush the field for the #4quarters player party thing:
We get it, you have the players motion upwards to get us to cheer and have them bounce around while throwing water everywhere. It may look cool from down in the mass of sweaty dudes in tights slapping each other’s butts, but to us in the stands, it just looks like a middle school dance. Let us come down and join the party!

4.) Make the coaches arm wrestle for a free touchdown:
Would this be illegal? Yes, but it would be very fun. Now it’s bulking season for every coach who comes to Pitt, and Narduzzi has to start lifting with the rest of the boys. And have you seen some of these coaches? A stiff wind or a cheeseburger could make them exit the field faster than some of their players.

3.) Netflix on each seat:
If you want to tune in and tune out of the game, and would rather watch The Office and look up when something happens good for Pitt (might not be that often), then this is perfect. You’d stay until the end because you were watching some movie or something. We would just have to make sure it didn’t become Pitt football and Netflix and chill in the stands.

2.) Tuition remission or student loan interest reduction:
We forgo our studies anyway for a day of drinking and disappointment at Heinz, why not make us stay by knocking some cash off our loans or tuition at the end of the game? The parents would even be happy because they are footing the college bill…and the whole coaching staff’s salary.

1.) Actually having a winning strategy and football team:
Hear me out, this could work, but it’s improbable. We get better receiver coverage, put DiNucci in (or someone who can run an offense). Put in some better running back carrying the ball, or do some other tactical shenanigans besides the dumb shovel pass trick play we run every five seconds, and maybe we could win. Maybe. And wouldn’t that make you wanna stay instead of being beaten by a margin of 20 points?

At the end of the day, we know you’re mostly there for the dayger, so nothing the stadium does will help. The next obvious question becomes, “Can’t we just dayger in South O?”

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