Rooming blind is always a gamble. Sometimes you get lucky and find your roomie-soulmate, other times you end up with the equivalent of getting donkey-kicked in the vagina. Somewhere in the twilight zone of that scale rests your new roommate: strangely religious, Jeremiah. Here’s six steps to help you connect with this Gothic painting come to life.
Step 1: Talk about common interests:
Wow, it looks like Jerimiah is super into minimalist fashion. He wears variations of the same long black pants, white cotton shirts, a thick straw hat, and black suspenders every single day. Try to engage him about other brands: what are his thoughts on Yeezy ’18? Balenciaga? Maybe talk about grooming. He has a ridiculously long beard for a teenager, or just for a human in the 21st century. You’ve been thinking about trying out a goatee, ask for his opinion.
Step 2: Inquire about his personal life:
You can’t go wrong with this, people love to talk about themselves. From the few grainy photographs Jeremiah keeps stashed in a dirty wooden box, it seems like he has upwards of twenty siblings. It’s probably best to steer away from the one boy in the back with a red ‘X’ through his head, though.
Step 3: Get the boy wasted!:
The best form of collegiate bonding is getting totally tanked. Drag Jeremiah’s spooky-ass down to South Oakland. Maybe he’ll thrive in the sweaty basement of a twenty-something alcoholic. If he stands completely still in a corner and whispers things in a language you can’t recognize, pass it off as a party trick! “Hey, everyone, my roommate Jeremiah does a SICK Gollum impression!”
Step 4: Talk about the ladiessss:
Your humiliating experience with Lauren from Bouquet posting your dick pics to her hall’s Facebook group always gets other guys to open up (or laugh). Maybe this time, Jeremiah will talk about his female woes. Try to seem empathetic when he tells you about Rebecca Ann from back home being a godless whore, who flashes her ankles at passing men.
Step 5: Offer to help him adjust to college life:
Being helpful is a great way to endear Jeremiah to you. He doesn’t seem to understand modern conveniences like showers, computers, or elevators, so offering him assistance with bewildering things like CourseWeb or the 10A schedule would be awesome. His general bewilderment toward slang and memes can be fun. Go ahead try and explain what big dick energy is.
Step 6: Join him in his rituals:
Respecting his religion by admiring its many, many, many complex traditions may help you finally make a friend in Jeremiah. Drink what he calls “reflection juice” with him at 6 a.m. (even though it tastes kinda like blood and boiled Gatorade). Repeat his verbal mantra of “Blessed be the power of holy sperm; by 2021, we will all be lowly worms.” Forsake deodorant and other poisons that, according to him, will give you herpes.
If you and Jeremiah aren’t two peas in a pod after following all of these tips, you’ll probably become his family’s Thanksgiving ritual sacrifice in which he doesn’t want to become emotionally invested. Man, and you just spent all that time growing that dope goatee.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.