It seems the time of the year at Pitt has set in where everyone is always just a little sick. And it’s great, what a fun time to be alive. We’re all crammed into Hillman, sneezing on everything, trying not to fail or get sicker. We crowd onto elevators with each other to get in and out of where we live, there are probably 5 different superbugs festering in Holland or towers bathrooms as you read this, and your roommate will get it if none of this applies to you yet and then you are screwed. Here’s how a Panther catches a real Pitt cold:
7.) The 10A:
Yeah, you’re all crammed on that bus trying not to freeze or walk and it goes airborne. You’re already cold because you came back from South O with what the fratbois call the “Vlad coat” which isn’t a coat, you’re just absolutely wasted and happened to stumble on the bus before the cops got you.
6.) Towers elevators:
Whether it’s weirdos spilling their dirty laundry on you or all of you just cramming together on the elevator, you’ll be sure to catch something from pressing against that creepy neckbeard dude from Tower A, floor 7. And if it isn’t in the dorms, try the Chevron elevators or the elevators in any other building you have class in to test your luck.
The food is terrible, and you should feel terrible. And, there’s some weird crap in there that’s infected. Remember the Market maggot? Good news is, you may just poop it out so fast it can’t infect you because that is what Market food is designed to do, move through you so you can get more.
4.) Communal bathrooms:
Some kid will get the mumps, or some super virus and it will be over for your whole floor or apartment or wherever you’re spending the last few days of your sickness. All that hair and dirt and sweat for sure will get you sick in your shower. Have fun in quarantine.
3.) South O hookups:
This is an issue because people can’t control the thirst. They just can’t. Whether they’re sick or healthy, they still wanna bang. And if they don’t tell you for sure it won’t be a repeat affair. Or, oddly, another strategy is once you discover your fling infected you, just keep going over to their place anyway, you two can share the viral burden.
2.) Clapp desks:
Yeah, all that gum and sweaty palm juice on the desks in Clapp where you fell asleep and drooled all over the place during last lecture is full of fun little guys that will infect you. But will this stop you? Probably, because now is about the time people know which classes they must go to anyway. So, have fun sick skipping.
1.) Lick everything in Cathy until you get ill:
What better of a way to get sick? You’ll look like an idiot doing it and plus, Cathy will be good to you and act as a flu shot to your system after you sneeze all that virus back out onto her majestic arches.
Aside from all this, there’s always that one person who isn’t sick, so if this list has one item you think you could pull off, make them do it, because at the end of the day, do Panthers ever suffer alone?
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