February at Pitt; the sidewalks and roads are made of snow slush mixed with spilled Natty, the weather can’t decide if it’s 50 degrees or -5, and one certain chancellor, with his charming smile and forked tongue, has captured the hearts of all of his students once again. This Valentine’s Day, everyone’s longing for Chancellor Gallagator. But with so many students to chose from, how will you ever stand out from the crowd of loving, ridiculously broke, and daddy issue riddled students desperately throwing themselves at his feet in hopes of free tuition? Thankfully, someone here at The Black Sheep has some experience getting the rich, educated, scaly man of your dreams to notice you:
7.) Send him a raunchy email:
“Dear Mr. Gallagher,
I hope this letter finds you in good health, and in a prosperous enough position to put wealth in the hands of people like me, down on their luck, you see, it’s Your Scaliness that I’m trying to fuck.”
Who doesn’t love a good Hamilton reference? Rope him in with just how cultured you are.
6.) Strip in the spotlight of the new Victory Lights:
While we perhaps haven’t quite deciphered what the new spotlight is doing in our beloved Victory Lights, we definitely have some theories. Currently, we’re banking on that it’s a beacon to communicate with Gallagator’s home planet. Turn all his homesick longing to longing for you as you seductively whip piece after piece of your clothing off of the Cathedral. We’ll pray you don’t fall.
5.) Post lizardist memes in a GroupMe:
Take a note out of the book of the College Republicans and whip up some memes that’ll be offensive to gator-kind everywhere. Share these in a GroupMe with approximately everyone you know until someone turns you into Lizardhaters@Pitt. Though you may have academic and social repercussions, at least you’ll know Patrick’s eyes are all on you.
4.) Lay in the middle of Forbes Avenue and refuse to move:
Just lay there, with a sign professing your love for our Lizard-in-Chief by stopping traffic on Oakland’s busiest road and hope that he comes to rescue you before a 10a barrels you over. But hey, even if your plan fails, at least you’re out of your suffering.
3.) Haze yourself by binge drinking outside of his office:
Bring all the attention back on to the fraternities by binge drinking copious amounts of vodka until Pitt Police need to take you to the hospital. Blame it on the fraternity of your choice hazing you, and you’re sure to captivate Chancellor Gallagator’s attention. He will feel so bad for your suffering, and notice just how much you need him and his $530,000 salary.
2.) Paint yourself green and scaly:
Pop in some yellow contact lenses for added realism. You know he isn’t happy with his human relationship, what he really wants is someone who is like him–cunning, attractive, and amphibious. While you may have been born warm-blooded, convince him you’re willing to experiment by making yourself desire to his true, Illuminati lizard-person self. Just don’t be surprised when the tail comes in.
1.) Raise your own tuition:
If there’s one thing Patrick loves more than scales, it’s tuition money. Make yourself undesirable by upping your own tuition to $25,000 per year and deliver it right to his doorstep. If you’d like to up the stakes, raise it to private school levels and slip him a cool 50 grand. He may just slime his pants and with that kinda blackmail, he’ll be yours forever.
You can’t go wrong with this inside tips on how to win Gallgator’s heart this Valentine’s Day. At least it’ll be better than being alone… will it though?
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