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8 Backup Careers for Kevin Stallings When He Gets the Boot

Pitt head basketball coach Kevin Stallings has had a rough year. His basketball program is facing a historic losing streak and post-apocalyptic attendance numbers. Many are questioning the future of Kevin’s career with the Panthers. But even if he gets canned, we can’t just throw him out on the street with a few million dollars, right? He’s going to need a backup plan. We at The Black Sheep have compiled a list of jobs at Pitt that Stallings can turn to if he gets the boot.

8.) Pathfinder Tour Guide:
“I think this is where the Oakland Zoo used to be!”

7.) Panther Central ID Photographer:
“Let’s try another one, maybe with you screaming in frustration or sulking at the floor? Yeah, that’s great.” *Click*

6.) Career Development Advisor:
“No, no, no, you don’t succeed in life by doing your best! You just sign a contract and they keep you no matter how shitty you perform.”  

5.) Market Central Card Swiper:
“Sure, you can swipe in your friend! In fact, don’t even swipe them in, invite as many friends as you want! We need to fill the seats here.”

4.) Librarian:
“I want to get you this book, I really do, but it’s a brand new one. We have to give it time to build. We need patience and understanding. Hey, where are you going?”

3.) Teachers Aid:
“I don’t know the answer to that question… that’s a question for the professor. I don’t dwell on that question much.”

2.) Sidewalk Closer:
“We’re still in the process of rebuilding this sidewalk. We knew it was going to be hard when we started, and it’s getting better, you know? But it won’t be ready this year, so maybe find another route.”

1.) The Dude in the Roc Costume:
“Maybe now they’ll say my name.”

No worries coach, if you do get the boot, you have plenty of backup careers waiting for you here at Pitt. 

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