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8 Fresh Hells for Freshmen To Discover On Pitt’s Campus



The days have been beautiful, the football team has been winning, your gen-ed classes seem manageable, and you and Pitt are still resting happily in the honeymoon phase. But it’s not all sunshine and rainbows and sooner or later, those rose-colored glasses are going to have to come off. We’re here to clue you into a few of the harsher realities of our beloved school:


8.) The Weather:
Everybody loves being good at something, so you should be happy to know that Pittsburgh ranks among the top dreariest cities in America! Typically sometime around mid-October, the sun disappears and doesn’t emerge again until you’re starting to study for your final exams in spring. In the mean time, you should consider investing in a few sturdy umbrellas, insulated rain jackets, and outfits made up of as many layers as will physically fit on your body at once. And if you’re thinking that the temperature dropping below 0 degrees means you’ll be getting out of class, think again. You’re expected to be there, whether it means getting frostbite or not.


7.) Pittsburgh Parking Authority:
Rumor has it that the Pittsburgh Parking Authority is actually run by Satan himself and exists for the sole purpose of ruining your day. If you plan on ever bring a car to campus, make sure you’re ready to sign over half of your income along with your faith in humanity to the Pittsburgh Parking Authority because they will take you for everything you have. You can get a ticket for just about anything, be it parking within 50 feet of a crosswalk or that an officer is just having a bad day.


6.) Market Dessert:
Pitt students have mixed feelings about Market Central – you might be pretty sick of Market food by the end of your freshman year, but come senior year, you’ll be standing at the entrance, begging freshman to swipe you in. And while there may be many things you miss about Market in the years to come, the dessert station will probably not be one of them. It won’t take you long to figure out that, although there is a large variety of desserts to choose from, the choices are pretty much all equally dry and disappointing. The only redeeming thing about Market dessert is the soft serve ice-cream machine, but considering that it’s out-of-service five days out of the week, it’s not something to pin your hopes on.


5.) Campus Connect:
During Freshman Convocation, you were probably encouraged to subscribe to Campus Connect, the handy-dandy text messaging system that will keep you updated on the going-ons of Pitt’s campus during your time here! You’ll probably spend the rest of that day thinking it’s a good idea and the entirety of your next four years trying to figure out how to unsubscribe. You never will figure that out and long after you graduate, you’ll still be receiving vital messages, reminding you to “Drink responsibly!” and “Come to the Love Your Computer Festival!”


4.) The Cathedral Elevators:
Despite the fancy new elevator system that was installed last year, the Cathedral elevators still move slower than Pitt’s Wi-Fi. If you’re crunched for time trying to make it to a class or meeting, you’ll probably have more luck climbing fifteen flights of stairs than waiting for an elevator to arrive. Even if you do manage to get on an elevator, you’re still going to be slowed down by it stopping on every floor. Which brings us to our next point:


3.) People Who Take the Cathedral Elevators One Floor:
You’re wasting everybody’s time.


2.) Winter Break:
For some reason, Pitt’s winter breaks seem to get shorter and shorter each year, currently standing at a mere two weeks. Other schools vacation for closer to a month, so you’ll be on break for about half as long as all of your other friends. No worries, though, this means you’ll be getting out of school at the end of the year way earlier than everybody you know, giving you plenty of time to sit around at home and wait for everyone else to get back so that you have a reason to leave the house again.


1.) Cardiac Hill:
At this point in the year, you might still think it’s worth climbing Cardiac Hill to get to Upper Campus, but you haven’t tried to make the trek during winter yet. After trying to climb that hill one time when it’s covered in ice, you’ll decide that nothing going on in the Pete is all that important to you and that you never really liked your friends in Sutherland anyway.


So freshmen, hunker down for four of the greatest, coldest years of your life. By the time you reach your senior year, we’re sure you’ll have discovered a whole new set of annoying Pitt things that you love to hate and can share with a new group of hopeful and fresh-faced undergrads.

For those about to rush, we salute you:

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