“2016 was the worst year EVER,” you scream as January 1st approaches. We know it was hard for you. A lot of crappy things happened this year, and it’s okay to be angry. But here’s a little secret for you: it isn’t going to get any better. Take your optimism somewhere else. Here are 8 reasons this year will suck just as much as last year did.
8.) More Celebrities Are Going To Die:
Yes, it’s true. Celebrities dying is going to keep happening. We know, in 2016 we lost Gene Wilder. We lost David Bowie, Carrie Fisher, the list just goes on. A lot of superstars we idolized met their demises in 2016, but it’s going to keep happening every year until the end of humanity as we know it. Who will we lose this year? Johnny Depp? Lin Manuel Miranda? Roc? We just can’t know.
7.) You Still Won’t Follow Your New Year’s Resolutions:
Every year you sit down and write out your goals for next year. We all do it. We want to stop drinking, lose weight, maybe finally talk to that cute girl you see in Market every once in a while. Go ahead and make all your plans. When push comes to shove, is going to the gym really worth the hike up Cardiac Hill to the Pete? That cute girl in Market probably has a different schedule now and won’t be in Market at the same time as you now. Might as well resign yourself to another year of being the same.
6.) We Might Lose To Penn State:
Pitt Football has been getting better, but we can’t deny that the Nittany Lions had a good season this year. If it wasn’t for that interception, we would have lost against them. This year brings around more excitement, but also the fear that perhaps we may have to face the fact that Penn State is good at football. There’s nothing more terrifying than that.
5.) Pepe Is Still A Hate Symbol:
Everyone likes memes, even if you try to pretend that you don’t. You just have to admit that our memes are getting worse and worse. What is it about this generation that “ab surf the tree” (read:absurdity) is the only thing we find funny? Everyone felt personally attacked when a picture of a frog was put on the Anti-Defamation League, which I mean yeah, white supremacy is a bad thing but that’s not why people were upset. Please, please let the frog go.
4.) The Left And The Right Keep Getting Shittier:
It doesn’t matter if you’re liberal or conservative, but we need to have a talk. Progressive movements need to calm down. And yeah, Donald Trump may have been elected in 2016, but he’s actually going to become president in 2017. That’s enough right there, not to mention he’ll have to appoint a Supreme Court judge that will most likely royally fuck up the past 8 years. That doesn’t even start till next year.
3.) We’re Still Going To Be Writing Articles:
The horror! Unfortunately for all of you guys, we here at The Black Sheep have little to no plans of halting what we’ve got going. You’ll still have to deal with us spamming your news feeds every single day in every Facebook group you’re a part of. Sorry in advance. (We aren’t really sorry.)
2.) Tuition Hikes:
What does the money even go towards? Renovations, salaries, or keeping up the Gallagator’s human suit? This is nothing new to us Pitt students but it burns every time, and the flame isn’t going out anytime soon.
1.) We’re losing James Connor:
Don’t make us say anything else.