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9 Circles of Finals Week Hell at Pitt


Finals are just around the corner. Think about it, you’ve only got one more weekend until you are fully assaulted by the onslaught of cumulative exams and term papers that will have you so stressed you’ll wish you were back working retail.

Pitt doesn’t exactly make it easy for you anyway. There’s no reading week and your night classes still meet during finals week. Plus you’ve got that one professor who wants you to show up on the Friday of finals week to “go over what this class was all about.” Basically, you’re living in hell. So we at The Black Sheep decided to give you the 9 circles of finals week hell.


9.) Limbo:
This circle of finals week hell is reserved for those well-meaning students who actually plan ahead and study for their exams well in advance. You’re not going to feel the same level of stress, but your friends resent you so much that you deserve some kind of punishment, so you end up in limbo.


8.) The “One-Exam” Circle:
You can brag all you want about only having one exam during finals week but nobody is impressed. It’s almost like you keep repeating it just to remind yourself that it’s real. It may be real, but nobody likes you for it, and you’re bragging again. So, you end up here, in hell, with all the rest of us.


7.) The Group Project Partner:
This circle is reserved for everyone who was a terrible group partner throughout the semester. Because you couldn’t pull your weight in a simple PowerPoint, the rest of your group has to struggle and grasp at straws to pass the class. And don’t even get us started on how much of a ghost you were during the final project. You don’t deserve the passing grade you’ll get in your classes, but you do deserve to suffer and burn in the 7th circle of hell.


6.) The Cheater:
Maybe you’re smarter than the rest of us. Maybe you’re just braver than the rest of us. Who cares? You piggy-backed on the hard work of your classmates and now you’re going to do better than anybody you cheated from. Bet it felt good at the time, but was it worth it in the end?


5.) The Distractor:
This hot and fiery circle of finals week hell is reserved for those who sat in the library playing music without headphones, or watched Netflix (or some reality TV show) at full volume while your roommate was trying to study. The table have turned and now your horribleness will be punished for all eternity (or at least until Friday).


4.) The Alcohol Enabler:
You know your friend can’t say no to a drink. She’s a just like Juicy J in that regard, but you are the one who told her it would be fine to go out on the Thursday before finals. Now you and she both are stuck in the library making up for lost time.


3.) The Meme Sharer:
You know you’re a terrible person already. But wasting other people’s time with your memes? That’s just sinister.


2.) The Trouble Denier:
“This final is only worth 30% of our grade, we’ll be fine.” You’re like the person on the Titanic that said iceberg’s weren’t a problem.


1.) The Black Sheep Writer:
We know we’re damned for providing you with distractions. But hey, maybe a little comfort will help you cope with your exams, or your bad grades.  



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