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A Tale of Two Campuses

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of Narduzzi, it was the age of NCAA sanctions, it was the epoch of Gallagher, it was the epoch of Barron, it was the season of basketball failure, it was the season of not football, it was the spring of hating the weather, it was the winter of hating Olbermann, we had the city before us, they had state hunting land before them, we were all going direct to Heaven, they were all going direct the other way – in short, (and to end this pointless parody) Pitt and Penn State are the cat and dog of Pennsylvania’s universities, forever engaged in a hateful relationship. The Black Sheep presents before you the history of this hate and, to quote the great(er than Joe Paterno) Pat Narduzzi “PITT IS IT! #H2P”.


Like most college rivalries, this one started on the football field. In 1893 the two schools took the field on a cold November morning. After an hour of lying, cheating, and bribing officials the Nittany Lions were deemed the winners. Over the next 122 years and 96 meetings the series sits at 50 wins for PSU, 42 for Pitt, and 4 ties because apparently people weren’t ravenously fanatical about winning before the 21st century. The two teams haven’t met since 2000, but in 2016 they will take the field and the rivalry will be back like that rash you should probably get checked out at student health. These games should be interesting, both schools have relatively new head coaches ever since Joe “I Coached a Team with Dementia for About 25 Years” Paterno died and Paul “I Love Wisconsin So Much I Married It” Chryst left for another job. The new coaching staffs have been stirring the pot already, so this shit is gonna get heated!


Hahahahahahahahaha! Oh wait, you were serious? Does Penn State even have a basketball team? Yes, apparently they do, but since 1979 Pitt has dominated this rivalry. The last time they met Pitt won with a bang and to add insult to injury the Oakland Zoo chanted “hit the showers” as the Nittany Lions left the court. Probably referencing how bad the players smelled, or something.


Here at Pitt we take academics seriously, so while comparing these schools we only used the facts and created an algorithm to develop which school is superior. The algorithm determined that indeed Pitt was superior. Pitt has nationally ranked programs in medicine and science. Penn State has Plant Sciences, a major where you learn how to grow grass because apparently grass is super hard to grow. NOT! Penn State students probably didn’t even get the Dickens reference in the introduction. We said Dickens, not Dickies!


Panther? Nittany Lion? What’s the difference? Well what if we told you that one of those is actually a fictional animal. While the panther is a real and majestic beast that deserves admiration and respect, the Nittany Lion is a dumb, imaginary creature that was invented by a (no doubt drunk) Penn State student who was salty that PSU was too lazy to come up with a mascot. In a fight between the two, the panther would definitely win because all it has to do is maul that drunken student.


That about sums up the rivalry that divides the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania (unless you count Philly, which we don’t). To summarize the score: nine national football championships, two Nobel Prize winners and Polio vaccine for Pitt, a decade of pedophilia and a hundred thousand cult members with misplaced priorities for Penn State. Bet you guys thought we weren’t going to mention it, right?

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