As everyone who reads Buzzfeed knows, the Oscars were last night. That’s cool and all, but anybody who’s anybody (i.e. not you) was at the Nordys last night. Named after chancellor emeritus and lover of naming everything after himself, Mark A. Nordenberg, the Nordys are a chance for Pitt to celebrate the best things at our beautiful university. In case you weren’t able to make the ceremony last night, The Black Sheep has the list of all the winners and complete coverage of every wardrobe malfunction.
Best Homeless Person – The Watchdog
This category was tight, but this Nordy went to the one and only Watchdog. Whether you’re strutting on Craig or stumbling down Atwood, the Watchdog is always keeping guard over the students of Pitt, for a nominal fee of course. It is this dedication that put the Watchdog over the edge and got him the award. He’ll probably start asking for more money now…
Best Academic Building – The Cathedral of Learning
Come on man, like anyone wasn’t going to vote for our goddess, Cathy! 42 stories of academic glory and enough penis jokes to fill her grand hall, what’s not to love? Cathy has been there for us since day one, guiding our drunk asses home, feeding us Chik-fil-A, and scaring the shit out of us with her sketchy elevators. We love you Cathy, don’t go changing.
Best Place to Smoke Weed – Forbes Field Wall
Although it’s recently been too cold to smoke outside, during the warmer months the Forbes Field Wall is the place to go. Kick back, light the bud, and picture Bill Mazeroski hitting the homerun that won the Pirates the 1960 World Series (ask your grandpa). With the way the Pirates have played in recent years, you’d have to be high to imagine them winning anything. If you run out of bud, you can always smoke some of the ivy that grows on the wall. Rumor has it that Roberto Clemente (ask your dad) used to do the same.
Best Chancellor – Chancellor Gallagher
This wasn’t actually a category, but in the middle of the awards show Gallagher got up on stage, chugged a fifth of Jack, yelled “I’ve got your award right here,” and proceeded to drop his drawers (see wardrobe malfunction above). He refused to leave the stage until a trophy was given to him. Always a class act from Paddy-G!
Best Drunken Pizza – Antoons
Perhaps the most controversial category, with three major players all vying for the award, the winner for this one came down to price. Sorry Sorrentos and Pizza Romano, but when we’re drunk the easiest way to pay is with a good ol’ fiver. Sure you don’t get ranch, garlic sauce, or a place to sit, but Antoons doesn’t try to be anything more than it is: shitty pizza that somehow tastes amazing while intoxicated.
Best Pitt News Source (Satirical) – The Black Sheep
Please, please, hold the applause. We are humbled by this award, but let’s be honest, we were shoo-ins. Any other Pitt paper or website that claims to be funny isn’t, so we’re not even going to bother mentioning them and frankly, we wouldn’t let our dogs piddle on The Pitt News and their occasional attempt at humor. As we continue our blitzkrieg takeover of this campus we have but one message: laugh or get out of our way.